Small Families: a Generation of Missed Opportunities?

I would classify myself as one of the ‘older’ parents common to Generation X. I was raised at a time when motherhood was not valued; successful women (at least within my sphere of influence) went to university and sought out a career. These were the things that defined you. I never remember there being any question, I would go to university. Motherhood was for later on.

And I did enjoy a fulfilling career and the time (and financial security) to travel, knowing that there was plenty of time before I needed to concern myself with the question of raising a family. Once I was ready, the birth of my child was carefully planned and prepared for (as much as these things can be planned). What I was not however prepared for was how much I would love being a Mum. How much I would love my child. How much I would love being a family with children.

And now I feel a sense of regret. That I did wait. That now, at my age and stage of life my options for having more children are more difficult (on many levels). I love my child and wish I could surround her with a cohort of siblings to bond with, fight with, confide in, wrestle with, rely on. I think if I had my time again, I would like six children. Yes, six!

But as this is unlikely, I have recently enjoyed reading Michael Grose‘s strategies for raising a small family using big family strategies;
1. Make sure children have time away from parents.
2. Raise your children as if you have six.
3. Dirt is good. Let them get dirty.
4. Keep in touch with the tribe.
5. Lighten up.
6. Stand back and allow your children in.
7. Make sure children keep pets, contribute to charity and practise other acts of generosity.

(From XYZ The New Rules of Generational Warfare, 2005)

Some of these we currently, as a family, do better then others. I am planning to share more about our journey through these seven strategies soon.

How did you decide on the number of children you have (or are planning to have)? Large family or small, what are your thoughts?

Photo source

Related Posts

22 Comments

  1. allison t says:

    I wanted three but, due to a couple of miscarriages, ended up with two wonderful boys. I'm glad they have each other, sometimes I wish they had another sibling, but I'm acutely aware that, at 40, I feel too old to do it all again. I'm 'one of four' and it's lovely. I'm going to try to make it lovely for them to be 'one of two'. On the upside – my sisters have three and four each. Lots of cousins!!

  2. Zoey @ Good Goog says:

    I'm still planning on five (yes, five!) even though we have an only child at the moment and my body is taking its own sweet time to get pregnant. So that's four more and I don't have loads and loads of time (I'm 31) so in the future – no more planning – we get pregnant when we get pregnant – even if that means a smaller age gap between siblings.

    I came from a family of two, but my mum has four sisters. I love those tips – regardless of whether you have a big family or a small one – that's definitely something to work towards.

  3. sharpestpencil says:

    My heart wanted hundreds of children. My body struggled to give me one.

    But we have a a pet and we give to charity, we are pretty light and we get pretty dirty. We spend time together and apart so I guess we are doing okay. Even if we only have one child

  4. life and the memoirs says:

    We have two gorgeous boys. I initially wanted three, I am the eldest of three, my husband was more keen on just having two. The boys are relatively close in age, 23 months to the day! I think as they got slightly older I became more comfortable with two and began doubting my own ability to cope with three. I would have loved the joys which come with having a larger family but I have been aware of my capabilities. I am so grateful that they have each other in their life.
    I subscribe to Michael Grose's parenting ideas web site and have attended one of his seminars, he is very interesting and offers a great variety of tips and strategies.

  5. Tammy James says:

    I am one of 11. I always knew I wanted to have children of my own and always knew I did NOT want to have a lot. Two was a number floating around but not solid. Now I have two and am a sometimes step mum of another. I am happy and think this is my limit.

  6. I am so blessed with my three and having suffered a miscarriage know just how lucky I am with my little clan. They make me happy every single day.

  7. Aspiring Mum says:

    I am an only child with 4 children of my own. That was a big adjustment – after being independent and having my own head-space to having a noisy home with not much down time. But, my husband and I always thought 3 or 4 would be nice (he's from a family of 5 kids). And we wouldn't change it for anything.

    I really like Michael Grose's strategies – particularly those of raising your children as if you have six and making sure the children have time away from their parents. This advice would have been very useful for my own parents when raising me!

    There is no 'right' or 'wrong' number of children to have. I think it's about doing the best you can with what you've been blessed with.

  8. Rizoleey.wordpress.com says:

    I was always having 2, 2 girls! my son was a shock to the system. So yes I have 1 daughter and 1 son. I love it. I have the best of both worlds.
    I only have 2 arms so I dont want more than what I can hold. I can give them both a cuddle at the same time and have plenty of one on one time with both of them. They are best friends and playmates. We dont have a third wheel or the odd one out. I can afford all their needs and most of their wants. So it is a perfect balance for our family.

  9. We have one at the moment (aged 19 mths). I fluctuate between wanting 1, 2 or 3. We'll see how it all pans out I think.

  10. We have three, all girls. The elder two are 21 months apart and there was no hesitation or uncertainty about having the second – we knew we didn't want an only child if we had the option to have another (luckily we were blessed there with no fertility issues, and I was relatively young, being not quite 32 when the second was born).

    We then spent the three years after my second was born in intermittent discussions about whether we'd have another. I was initially opposed, then neutral, then willing provided it happened quickly & easily. Hubs was in favour from the start but wouldn't have pushed it if I was adamant.

    In the end we decided to give it a go and 10 months after I initially said, "OK, let's see what happens" my beautiful and adored youngest girl was born (Feb 09). She is now almost 14 months old and we cannot imagine life without her.

    I had a tubal ligation done with my c-section last year because I was *so sure* I was done … but guess what, I'm sort of regretting it a little bit now! I actually think I'd rather like to have one more. Three is fun and I reckon four might be even funner. But I doubt I feel strongly enough about it to attempt to reverse the tubal, especially as I'll be 37 this year so time's ticking.

    I think the tips are all very handy ones regardless of family size, to be honest. We have pets, we get dirty, and they all muck in together doing sister-stuff without my input. Still, there are things we could do – relaxing and stepping back would be key! – and I'm working on those.

  11. leechbabe says:

    I have two hands and two children – one to hold each hand and that is just perfect for me. 🙂

    Not that I had much option about it as my body could not have gone through another pregnancy but I'm very content with my family. My girls are the youngest of 16 cousins on my husbands side and we regularly spend large amounts of time with the family so they get the big family time. One my side the are the only grandchildren and spoilt rotten.

    Best of both worlds 🙂

  12. PlanningQueen says:

    Christie as you know we have 5 children (aged from 11 to 1). We always thought we would have at least 4, but would just take it "one baby at a time" (as the AFL footballers would say!), making sure that we were all doing ok with each new addition.

    I knew from the minute our fourth child was born that our family still had room for one more. My husband needed a touch more convincing, but also agreed we still had some more room in our family.

    I now feel that we are complete. I know that this is my limit, any more and I may not be the mother that I want to be. But I think having any size family has it worries. I worry if I am spending enough one on one time with each child? I hope that the "tribe" fills the gaps!

  13. miss carly says:

    No children yet, but I actually had this conversation with the boyfriend today.

    Me, I wouldnt mind one now, but I just think I want to finish uni and have a job that I could at least know I could go back to. So maybe in two years ask me again?

    The boyfriend is more thinking at 26 {for me}. So another 3 years.

    I want children, I was an only child for ten years before my sister came along. Sure the gap is okay, not by choice my mum just didnt have a boyfriend for a while. We fight as I am sure any siblings do, but I just had her here for a week and wanted to kill her. Terrible but its the truth. But she is my sister. We fight. We laugh. She pushes my buttons and pushes them good.

    It's funny because mum cant understand how I am so patient at work but with her it's so different.

    Anyway, back to your question. I would like 2 or 3 healthy bubbas. Or one. With about 2-3yrs in age difference.

    Planning is one thing – whether it happens is another x

  14. I'm one of six children and knew that was too many for me. I felt four children would be right & that was the aim many years ago when I first started… With all the dramas and tragedies I got to the point of just wanting a child, no number specified. I managed to swing two in the end but far later in my life than I ever thought and not by the means I had thought. Had my children come into my life earlier I would have loved to have had more but at the age my youngest came to us, I'm more ready to be a grandparent than a parent 🙂 The only thing I could really say about what size family works best is to my mind, one where there's no odd 'man' out. Two works well for that and well for me 🙂

  15. Fascinating conversation, and it really makes the point that there is no "right" family size. It's all what works for your family. I am one of three and my husband is one of four; we had always planned on 2 or 3, but after 2, our family felt complete. It was more work than we had expected somehow, and the house was getting pretty full too. Then came our surprise, our little girl, who came along and changed everything! They're 6, 4, and 2 now, and our family is definitely full. I know there are many moments when I look at my daughter and wonder how I could have thought my life was full without her.

    I've always worried that with too many kids, they would never feel like their parents had any time for them in particular–that they were just one in a bunch. And this from the people who are supposed to make them feel special and valued and loved unconditionally. I'm glad we had our third, but I'm glad we stopped there (I also had my tubes tied during that C-section). I don't think I could be nearly as good a mom to more.

  16. I am the oldest of five and LOVED being part of a large family. For many reasons I only have two kids and there are days I mourn for the loss of my own big family.

    My SIL gave me the greatest compliment the other day. She said, "Amy, I know you only have two kids but you parent like you have six." It reminded me that I can give my kids a lot of the benefits of a large family even though I can't give them four more siblings.

  17. Olga Bloch says:

    I am the youngest of 6 kids and have three of my own- I happy with three and could not even imagine having three more!!! I agree with the ideas because it makes the house more carefree and light!!

  18. I am a strong believer that the amount of children we have, planned or not planned, are actually the right amount. I'm sure that you can not imagine yourself being you without your child or children. I didn't plan any of mine and guess what? Surprise! I had two in one shot! Along came the third! Now at 40 with almost three teen boys, I feel that it's just the right amount. I would have loved to have a girl but just put it this way: I will soon be surrounded by teen girls as my boys grow up! They are all adorable! They're a blessing in my life! And don't forget, even if you didn't have any children, there will always be a child near you seeing you as a role model.

  19. inakamama says:

    Wow! I'm 39,just had my first baby 10 months ago and identify completely with what you said! I find myself feeling envious of younger mums (with younger husbands!) I'm loving this new world of childraising and homemaking and wish I had started earlier – although I had a very interesting career, lots of travel etc. I'm an only child and am not at all sure how to give my son the experience of being in a larger family. Very interested in learning and thinking more about it.

  20. Great post with great advice from Michael Grose’s book. We’ve also had our first little one a bit later because of travelling, career etc and now look back and wonder what we were thinking waiting. If only we had known what lay ahead of us – visiting every country in the world couldn’t compare to the adventure and joy of being parents. I’m just happy that we didn’t wait any longer and there is still time to have another (and another perhaps!). My message to our fellow Gen X’rs out there – don’t wait to have your children, nothing compares to being a parent.

  21. I have 5 children aged 6months to 6 years 🙂 and I’m Gen Y!. 🙂

    Growing up I didn’t want children and at 18 the news that I was expecting my first child was a shock. When I had him though I had an enormous sense of almost gratitude that it had panned out the way it had because if bub wasn’t unexpected I would not have had that amazing little baby and that fantastic feeling on pure unconditional love that only parent’s can experience.
    After having #2 almost exactly 2 years later I knew I wanted more kids and despite others opinions I went for it 🙂 My kids are fantastic well behaved, well groomed and most of all well loved and while at times it’s a trial I wouldn’t change it for the world!

  22. [MARKED AS SPAM BY ANTISPAM BEE | CSS Hack]
    Dear Christie, I thought I was the only one this line of story – university, career, kids for later, and then I had my son, now I regret waiting for so long and the sweetest and most awful at the same time is that I love being a Mum, too, and I do not want to go back to a demanding work & career as if nothing has happened and changed me. This is a big issue for me right now, and I don’t know how to solve it. I am the eldest of three and although I know bringing up 3 children means you live for the children for the most part of your life I do know that it has been incredible fun and a strong feeling of togetherness, and connection with my siblings still remains. So, I wish my husband would reconsider and agree for two. I just want more kids to feel the family complete, although I will forever be grateful for my little son. My husband is the elder of two children, but has no real relationship with his sibling and thinks more than one spoils you life. I still hope he will reconsider this in an year or two, while I still have time. Thank you for sharing, I found big support in your post and in knowing that I am not the only one not wanting to go back to work and being happy as a Mum. And, most importantly, that this is not something to be ashamed of, or feel as if you have lost 100 points of your IQ and you can not manage more than changing diapers and repeating nursery rhymes. I just love looking after the kid, thinking about it, preparing book, games, food, surprises, observing it, helping it grow.

Comments are closed.