Back in May of this year, I started writing a post that I never finished or published;
As we lay side by side, Dad 101 asked what I was thinking. I responded, “Remember the days when sex was just about having fun.” Enjoying each other. That intimacy between two people that encompasses body, mind and heart.
It’s not like that now. Following the loss of our second baby, a short eight months ago, sex is now fraught with uncertainty, the shadow of mutual sadness and questions without answers. Wounds torn open in a grief stricken labour room are still raw. Too raw to make decisions about the future. Should we try again? Would we survive the stress and grief of another loss? Or the irrational guilt and self blame which tears at my soul? How would we endure the burden of uncertainty and fear on top of the likely extended morning sickness and excessive fatigue that plagues me each time?
Once upon a time, sex was about joy, connection, love, fun. Now it is punctuated with concern about dates and protection and the unspoken question – should we try again? Yes? No? If, when?
Just two month’s later I was more than a little surprised to find myself looking at two very clear lines on a stick. When I recently told a friend our news her response was, “Well, it really had to happen that way, or it never would have happened.” And I have a feeling she may be right.
As expected, it hasn’t been easy so far. Worry and uncertainty mixed with an unpleasant serve of all day morning sickness and that recent, nuisance bout of pneumonia, has seen me spend the first (almost) five months tired, emotional…excited but fearful. Wishing I could know for sure that everything will be okay this time.
Of course, no one can ever give you that certainty.
Little by little, I am learning to let go of the fear. Signs so far are that everything is progressing as it should and today I am hopeful, optimistic. I need to have faith that it will be okay this time. That in five months time we will meet this little person…
And it will all be okay.
Read more of Christie's adventures at http://childhood101.com.
{ 149 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, a huge congratulations. Things will be okay for you this time. I believe it.
I too recently had a miscarriage, and I can’t believe how it has affected me. For a long time I blamed My Little Bookcase for it. It took too much of my time, energy, and worry and I didn’t nurture myself and my baby enough.
I’m petrified now too, but this post gives me hope that my husband and I will be able to find the strength to try again and that one day our little girl will have a sibling.
Enjoy your Christmas. xo
I am so sorry for your loss, Jackie. Take the time you need to heal. I found speaking to a professional who had a lot of experience with baby loss helped immensely. Hugs to you and your family xx
Christie, what lovely news! Congratulations!
Belated thanks, Cathy
Congrats! I wish you all the best!
Thank you, Leanne
Hope is so precious…. I’m so glad you have found it again.
And am SO FREAKING EXCITED for you guys!
Awww, you are such an awesome friend
How wonderful! Warmest congratulations, and very very best wishes. Many hugs!
Thank you, Kate
Congratulations, so happy for you xx
Thank you for the kind congrats, Amanda
Congratulations Christine! Am thrilled for you x Andrea
Thanks Andrea!
So wonderful! wishing you an amazing pregnancy journey xx
Thank you so much, Bianca
Congratulations- I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy. I can only imagine what you have been through.
Thank you, Deb
Congrats Christie. I hope as you do all will go well this time. x
Thank you so, so much Tammy
congratulations, that is indeed such happy news! i hope your fear subsides and the excitement increases. thank you for sharing such personal things.
Thank you for the congrats and encouragement, Daisy
That’s such lovely news, congratulations
Thank you, Leah
Such lovely news, Christie. Will be praying for you and for bub.
Thank you so much, Amanda x
Congratulations! <3
Thank you
Oh Christie! That is the most marvellous news. I am *so* delighted for you and wish you only the best for the rest of your pregnancy. J x
Thank you so much, Jane
Christie, how wonderful! Congratulations, and let Optimism preside over your days and nights!
Thank you, Mari, we are quietly excited and staying positive
Oh and It will be Ok ..we have your back on this one…we’re praying for the most special of meeting with you and your little one.xxx Now to deal with Immy’s super excitement! xxx
You are the best, Bron xx
congrats!
Thank you, Sarah
Huge congratulations beautiful lady xx
Awww, thank you, Dani xx
Congrats Christie!! Praying for you for safe and well pregnancy, a safe and happy birth and a beautiful healthy bub. Exciting times!
Thank you so much, Alissa, we are excited
Oh that’s such lovely lovely news!!!!! So so happy for you and your family xxxxx
Thank you for the kind congratulations, Kate.
Congratulations Christie! How wonderful for you. And how heart-warming to see so many prayers and good wishes being sent your way. Mine are being sent your way as well. xo
Thank you, Jackie, it is so lovely to be supported and upheld in this way x
Congratulations Christie! I can understand your worry and uncertainty. Every day is a blessing and one step closer to meeting your precious bundle. Great news
Thank you so much for the congratulations and encouragement, Debbie
Congratulations all the way from La Paz! What a fabulous Christmas blessing x
Thank you so much, Lucie, it truly is a blessing
Huge congratulations to you Christie and your family! I hope as your pregnancy progresses further, those feelings of fear and anxiety will continue to subside.
I am in a somewhat similar situation myself and can understand how crippling the fear can be. A year ago I had a partial molar pregnancy, which we found out about at the 12-week scan and we lost the baby at 14 weeks. The fact that our second baby could never have made it to full gestation didn’t mean the grief was any easier to deal with, not to mention the concerns for my health as a result of the molar pregnancy. We are now very happily pregnant and despite everything seeming perfectly normal, the fear is always there, niggling away at the back of the head.
Wishing you a lovely wait for your bundle.
Thank you for the encouragement, Riina. Wishing you all of the best for the remainder of your pregnancy, may it be as stress free as it can be x
That’s wonderful news Christie!! Sending you all the best vibes and blessings! x Flavia
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Flavia
Oh how wonderful! Congrats Christie to you and your family! Wishing you all the very best for the rest of the pregnancy. Since I’ve only been a regular reader for the past 6 months or so, I’d never read that post about your miscarriage before. May I just say how sorry I am for the loss of your son. What a journey you have been on. I’m sure this pregnancy now is filled with both moments of anxiety and joy. I’ll be thinking of you through the coming months as you carry this little life.
With love,
Lusi x
What a lovely comment, Lusi, thank you so much for the encouragement and support x
Congratulations, such wonderful, happy news for you and your family! All the very best with the rest of your pregnancy.
Thank you, Mel
Loads of heartfelt love and blessings to you, sweet Christie! xxxxxx I know some of what your head an your heart are battling with to try and balance. At the end of the day… all is exactly as it should be. Congratulations and best of luck for the remainder of this very special pregnancy. Love to your hubby, your dear little girl and your darling mum too!
I know you know and I am so thankful for your encouragement xxx
Congratulations, Christie! All the very best. Sending prayers and good wishes all the way from India:-)
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Prerna
Oh, wonderful, Christie. Massive, massive congratulations to you all.
Thank you so much for the kind congratulations, Kathy
Wonderful news Christie, I hope your fear subsides and you can enjoy the next months with joy and expectation. Sending you many blessings.
Thank you for the encouragement, Christie. We are quietly excited and staying positive
Oh this is such wonderful happy news! Congratulations to all 3 of you.
Thank you, Jacquie x
WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!
Just be calm. This is the first pregnancy for this pregnancy… if you know what I mean. x
Thank you, what a great way to look at it
Congratulations. I’m so glad that you’ve managed to focus on the feelings of hope in this time that is also understandably full of fear and uncertainty. Amazing how such polar feelings can still coexist. I remember having very similar feelings before we had our second child and after 2 miscarriages.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Emma
Oh Christie, BIG congratulations. That is such thrilling news! I’m so excited for you. I’ve quietly been wondering if something was up!
I’m wishing you all the best this time around. Keep up that positive attitude. x
Thank you so much, Kel
Congratulations Christie x
Thank you, Katie. Thinking of you xx
Congratulations Christie. That is lovely and exciting news.
Thanks, Melissa
Congratulations Christie, that is such wonderful news xx
A belated thank you, Kat
Oh Christie, I am SO happy to hear this news, what a tough old journey you have had to get here. I am sending you lots of healthy, happy vibes and will include you and your family in our prayers this Christmas!
Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers, Sarah x
Congratulations Christie! Thoughts and prayers for you and your family and thanks for sharing
Thank you for the encouragement, Steph x
thanks for sharing such an intimate part of your life. and congrats!
Thank you for the congrats, Stephanie
Such wonderful news Christie! That is just great. Made my day
x
Thank you so much
Congratulations. What wonderful news. I wish you the best of luck. You are very brave to share this with all of us.
Thank you, Ali
Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy bundle of joy.
I was wondering if something was up when you were bedridden recently and was secretly hoping you would have good news to share with us down the track.
What a lucky baby to have you for his/her Mamma as I am sure Immy can vouch for! Congrats to Dad 101 too as I’m sure he had alittle to do with this (hehe)
How exciting for Immy to be a big sister!
Wonderful news.
What a lovely comment, Lisa, thank you for the encouragement
Such lovely news Christie!!! I hope the next few months pass by smoothly.
Xx
Thank you, Sharon. Hoping it is the most boring pregnancy ever
Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your story. After the trauma of an emergency c-section for our first child, a ‘happy surprise’ was the only way we were going to end up with a second child. We now have three beautiful children and from our family to yours we wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Anne, it is wonderful to hear hopeful stories such as yours
That’s great to hear! Congrats!
Thank you, Jus
Oh my gosh! I just read your post and it put my whole day into perspective. I can feel the apprehension in your writing. I imagine it is a time of such excitement and fear….. and fear and fear….and fear…… for you and your family. I dont pray but I walk and think and tomorrow when I am walking and thinking I will think of you and your growing baby from all the way over here in New Zealand and wishing you the very best. Congratulations.
What a lovely comment, Lucy. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.
So, so happy for you
xx
Thank you, May x
I missed this this morning and then “got” your Tweet. So, so happy for you Christie. See you in KL for a hug in person x
Belated thanks for the online congrats and the real life one too
Big congratulations to you and your gorgeous family.
I didn’t realise you had lost a baby: this must weigh heavily on you, having been through the worst case scenario. But this doesn’t have to be the ending. You can have a new chapter, and I wish you every hope in the world everything goes well for you and your baby. Immy will make an amazing big sister. x
Thank you so much, Karen, what a lovely comment xx
I am over the moon happy for you and Dad101! Congratulations x
Thanks, Glow
I’m THRILLED for you. Congratulations Christie, you deserve every happiness. xxxx
Thank you so much, Megan xx
This is beautiful news!! So very very very very very happy for you x
Belated thanks for the congrats, Louisa
Oh Christie! Such special news!! Congratulations!!!!! xx
Thank you, Kelly
Congratulations! xx
Thank you, Cat
I too lost ,my baby Boy, Bailey this year to stillbirth, Hubby and i decided we would see what happened and am now just pregnant. It is soo scary the thought of loving to lose again, but the hope and excitement. I will be with youin your journey, and know all about the debilitating morning sickness, which funnily enough i am so excited i have> Lots of love and prayers
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, Bailey, Jodie. All my love and best wishes for a smooth remainder of your pregnancy xx
What wonderful news… congratulations! xx
Thanks, Cath
Congratulations! Wishing you all the best!
x
Thank you, Amy
Wow, that is such exciting news for you and your family! Congratulations!
I had a miscarriage with my second bub, which was devastating. I actually fell pregnant very soon after (a BIG surprise as we were going to wait until we were ready) My husband and I always said that things worked out how they were meant to. I was also worried early on in the pregnancy that something could happen, and wondered if i could cope with it. Everything was fine and I now have 2 beautiful boys. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I think that losing a child is sometimes something that no one seems to talk about, but so many women (and men) have experienced.
I really wish you all the best for you and your family.
Thank you for your encouragement, Sarah. I too believe it is important to share our stories of baby loss as it can be such a lonely time because we just don’t talk about it in our society. Your story fills me with even more hope
Congratulations Christie! Here’s hoping for an event free 5 months for you and your little bubba on board.
Thanks, Emily
Congratulations! May you and your little one be happy and healthy! After such unspeakable loss pregnancy loses its innocence, but the magic, the miracle of life is still there and as much as you can put your fear to rest and enjoy!
I’m a bit late to the party here, but HUGE congratulations! Thoughts and prayers are with you as your pregnancy progresses.
When I saw the title of this post I hoped with all my heart that this was the news I would read. I am THRILLED for you Christie and every inch of me wishes you every possible happiness with this new little person. You’ve soldiered on incredibly well and I will remain thinking of you. MUCH love to you. xxxxx
Oh Christie! This is wonderful news. Tears of joy for you here. xoxoxoxox
Having gone thru 25 losses, I can relate to what you are saying! I have prayed for your little one, and for you and your hubby to have peace in your hearts! Lis x
Congratulations….what glorious news. Having only met you and Dadddy 101 and Immy through your blog I was still very moved by your loss 8 months ago. Having suffered many heartbreaking losses on our journey to parenthood I had felt such sadness for you and you often pop into my thought with a wonder of will they try again?
Now such wonderful news…so thrilled for you. Although I understand your fear, try to take some time to also enjoy the journey. Your little person is getting bigger and stronger dad by day.
Prayers are with you…all the best
Christie, for some reason I came here thinking that your big news was sponsorship to BlogHer.
This is so, so much better than that. Wow. Wishing you a really boring and uneventful next few months, hon.
XX
Congratulations and thank you so much for your honesty. The post-you-never-posted really resonated for me for similar but different reasons. Although I have never had to go through the heartache of miscarriage or the loss of a baby (and my heart goes out to everyone who has – I don’t begin to pretend I understand your pain, your grief or your journey), it took us years to conceive and we only eventually did so through the miracle of IVF. All four of our kids are IVF bubs and we consider ourselves enormously blessed, but I was just talking to a girlfriend today about how baby-making sex can destroy a relationship in so many ways. I totally related to the whole ‘remember when sex was just for fun’ concept. I’m pleased to say that now our family is complete, it’s fun again. Now if only I had the time…
Blessings to you and your family over the coming months and may excitement and joy co-exist with (and at times, triumph) the inevitable fear. xx
This is just beautiful news. Congratulations to you and your family x
Congratulations! I was so touched by your post last year when you spoke so honestly about your loss and I’m so excited to hear that there is joy ahead! I delivered a healthy daughter this year after losing a precious little one previously and understand your anxiety. The relief and delight you will experience when you hold your new baby for the first time is so sweet, worth every anxious moment. A loss means you never take that miracle for granted. I am saying a prayer for you and wishing you a peaceful pregnancy. Look forward to reading baby news in 2012!
My darling you will never know how delighted I was when you told me this wonderful news recently. I have a very positive feeling about this baby and am so looking forward to welcoming my third great-grandchild into this world. It’s great that you have now spread the news and we can all talk about it. Love you all so much. xxxx
May your pregnancy be a blessed time of rejoicing in this miracle of new life. Congratulations!!
Oh Christie, this post has made me cry, I’m so happy for you and your family! You are just too amazing; to be coping with all of this, morning sickness, serious illness, a littlie to chase after and all the work you have been doing as well – wow. I hope the next 5 months are wonderful ones, simply cannot wait to hear about your new addition to the family in 2012. Lots of love and best wishes to you x
Congratulations Christie, I am absolutely thrilled for you. This is such wonderful news. You and your family will be in my prayers.
The fear is a tough one to deal with after a loss like that but slowly joy does seap in and time does tick on, what probably feels like eternity now will go quick enough. I hope you find some joy in your pregnancy amongst the angst. Congratulations to you and your hubby, what a precious time.
Congratulations! I wish you and that little one all the best!!
Wishing you health and peace during this five months, and sending up lots of prayers and positive thoughts for a healthy baby to hold in your arms.
I understand the struggle of infertility and am rejoicing with you that you are pregnant!!
Congratulations Christie! What wonderful news. I’m so happy for you and your lovely little family.
Congratulations! Wishing you and your family the best Christie. Your blog is so wonderful, it’s one of my favorites to read. I know sometimes uncertainity is so hard to cope with. I truly wish you the best, for a very healthy pregnancy, birth and healthy baby & mama.
A big Congratulations to you and your beautiful family – such wonderful news! Wishing you and the little one all the best of health Christie! xo
Oh big congratulations Christie! Wonderful news.
Christie, wonderful, wonderful news. Joy to you. -heather
Congratulations Christie! Immy will be a fantastic big sister
I also lost my second baby to miscarriage so can totally understand your trepidation. Hang in there, keep positive and before you know it, you will be holding another precious bundle of joy!
I’m a week behind you! 21 weeks today, first baby and totally terrified and thrilled!!!
I don’t know HOW one earth I missed that you are expecting! Congratulations. My heart ached for you after your loss and I’m genuinely thrilled and grinning from ear to ear at this fab news! I am 34 weeks now so our babies will only be about 10 weeks apart! Can’t wait to hear more news
Love anna
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