Virtual Bookclub 101: Siblings Without Rivalry Sections 3 & 4
Welcome back to the Childhood 101 virtual bookclub. We are currently reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (full bookclub details here), looking here at sections 3 & 4: The Perils of Comparisons and Equal is Less.
From what I have read of Siblings Without Rivalry so far, I feel if I remember and act on this one key word I will make good headway into being the best parent I can be. And the word is, DESCRIBE. I regularly try to remember to ‘describe what I see’ when it comes to encouraging my children (versus empty or over-used praise) but Faber & Mazlish touched on it in section two with reference to acknowledging feelings, and again in section 3;
“The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don’t like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behaviour. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.” – page 55
“Speak to the child only about the behaviour that displeases you” (page 61), would be another key message I am trying hard to remember. Don’t run off at the mouth. Don’t say more than needs to be said. Don’t make empty threats. Don’t compare. Just stick to specifics and describe – what you see, like, don’t like or what needs to be done.
Further food for thought for me from this reading – be sensitive to the feelings of others by keeping overly enthusiastic comments in support of one child for private moments. We tend to openly celebrate significant accomplishments for both of our girls but after reading the stories in section 3 I can see why this can be counter-productive. I think I am going to have to be much more mindful about toning down my reactions and old habits can be hard to break. What makes it particularly interesting for me is the realisation that I personally feel such a sense of reward as a parent when one of my children makes a big discovery or accomplishes a new milestone. It’s actually not just about them but it should be.
Finally, my favourite passage this time around;
“To be loved equally….is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” – page 71
Now it is your turn. Please share your impressions in the comment section below. I would encourage you to also take a moment to read the reflections of others, feeling free to respond to their comments if you have something further to share.
Here are some discussion ideas that might help to get you started;
- What is one idea, tip or story that really spoke to you or that you took away as a valuable insight?
- Do you have question for others in response to what you read?
- What was your favourite passage from the book?
- Is their a story of your own related to the themes of one (or both) of these sections that you would like to share?
Details for the next book club meeting
Pop back on June 13th (that’s three weeks today) to discuss your thoughts about Sections 5 & 6: Siblings in Roles & When the Kids Fight.
Thanks Christie for another great summary. I also like how most of the strategies in this book zone in on the word “describe”, I am trying to keep that word as a reminder before I open my mouth. It’s not as easy as it sounds though and takes quite some practise 😉
The section on ‘Comparing’ was most relevant to our family. My husband and I both talked about this area of our parenting this week and acknowledged that we do indeed compare our two children. We both accepted that we don’t do it to intentionally harm them but after reading the chapter we know that is can lead to harm. We call our two children our “chalk and cheese pair” as they are almost complete opposites in every way. Their opposing personalities of coarse lead easily to comparisons but I do see now how referencing one child against another isn’t a positive way of dealing with any behaviour issues. The classic example in our family is that our daughter (who is youngest sibling) is quite independent and easily dresses herself in the morning (usually without prompting) while our son (who is school age) would prefer someone else to dress him and can take a long time to get dressed in the mornings. I have caught myself in the past commenting “Look at Harper, she is dressed and ready to go. Let’s see if you can be as fast as Harper!” I realise now that I am kidding myself if I thought this was motivating him. This week I have worked on addressing his independence while organising himself in the morning, without drawing any attention to his sister.
The story that struck me most in this section was one of the participant’s realisation that she was in the habit of comparing her children and how she stopped this pattern by using “describe what you see” strategy (pg. 55). I like how she reminded herself that she needed to do this WITHOUT making any reference to the other sibling.
Just like you I loved the “to be loved uniquely” quote. Our children, all of us really, just want to be recognised as unique individuals, rather than the “same” as everyone else 🙂
Thanks again for the opportunity to share our thoughts on this amazing book. Looking forward to the next two sections!
Speaking to specifics and describing what we see is also not easy since our kids behavior pushes certain buttons and we all tend to see different behavior in different light. Its so important to be able to separate our buttons being pushed with what is actually happening. This way we dont end up describing motivations of the misbehavior and how it affects us
Just popping by to say that my copy of the book STILL hasn’t arrived, so I’ll be catching up on this section in a few days when I can refresh my memory on what I read. 🙂
I am late. I read the chapters and had my notes made weeks ago but then… life happened.
I love on page 55 when they say “Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.”
I find myself trying to remind myself of this all the time. I find that the comparisons tend to start with the kids and then me trying to rationalize it. Like one child saying that they cleaned up the toys faster or more of the toys then the other. I always feel the need to say something for the other child like they are just learning or they are still little.
Or sometimes the child will say that it isn’t fair that the other isn’t cleaning as much or gets more attention (usually because they are smaller) which would send me into a speech about how he is big and they are little and he was little once, blah, blah, blah (as I am sure it sounds to him)
Now I have been trying to focus only on the child at hand and not say anything about the others. These are some of the things I have been trying to say instead:
“I am really glad you cleaned up all the blocks off the floor.”
“I know how well YOU are capable of cleaning. You just worry about what you are doing”
“Whether or not they are doing what they are supposed to do has nothing to do with what you are choosing to do.”
“I know you are able to be responsible for your toys and that is what I expect”
My 2 year old daughter recently came up to me and said that her cousin (1 yr) who we babysit during the week at our house was pretty. I said without thinking “You are very pretty too sweetie” She looked at me like I had 2 heads and replied “No, I SpiderMan”
I guess I dropped the ball on that one! She wasn’t looking to be compared to her cousin. Guess this “not comparing” thing is an ongoing process.
Shannon, I get that “why do I have to do so much” thing all the time from my 11 year old too (vs my 3 and 6 year olds) – I am going to try to take some of your suggestions and use them instead.
I read this book ages ago, when I was pregnant with baby #3, but I can see I should read it again now!
In the mean time, I will try to remember to describe 🙂
Ok, finally got my book and I can join the conversation.
Because my youngest is only 8mos, I don’t get into the comparison trap too often, the only time I have to hold my tongue is at meals. My 3 1/2 yr old is a super-picky eater, won’t even think about eating a vegetable and my baby eats literally everything. I know I’ve compared in the past, even if not directly, just by telling the baby he’s a good eater in front of my older son. I’ve stopped this and have started making statements about what’s going on at the table or just talking about our day. It’s still a struggle – every day…..but I know it won’t help my older son become a good eater just hearing about how great his brother is at eating. I’ve tried to get my husband on board with this as well and when he compares, I like to say, “Imri is trying lots of new foods.” Or something like that.
I did want to get some opinions about something else, though. My older son is really into hearing stories about himself as a baby or me or my husband when we were young. Usually these stories are sparked when my baby is doing something that reminds me of his brother. For example, my baby is babbling – mama, dada, baba, etc., so I told my older son a story about when he was a baby and he could say dada, but not mama and when I’d ask him to say mama, he’d say dada instead and we’d make a little game of it. I have a ton of stories like this and my son doesn’t seem to feel like it’s a negative comparison, but I don’t know what’s going on in his head. Thoughts?
I decided to take action on the fourth section before it became an issue. After reading, I immediately stopped referring to my children as ‘my boys’ when I was holding both of them or even when introducing them to others. When we snuggle, instead of saying something like, “I love my boys” I’ll use their names individually, or I’ll pinpoint attributes of each that are special to me at that moment.
I think it would be OK to tell stories about your son when he was younger as long as you do it in a way that is about what he did and not about how it compares to his brother. I think those stories are important to grow up with.