Lessons in Letting Go

“Can we go to the forest park, mama?”

It is bigger than most of the parks in our area and as well as the stock-standard, primary coloured jumble of plastic play equipment it has a large, grassy hill (perfect for rolling down) and, at the bottom of the hill, the most wonderful thick grove of trees. These are tall, imposing trees with trunks you cannot stretch your arms around that have stood sentinel over this place for generations and it is these beautiful, majestic trees that first inspired my 4 year old to christen this playground, ‘The Forest Park.’

The trees provide cool, hiding spaces out of the hot sun of summer and their subtle darkness is perfect fodder for the imaginative stories woven by my small girl and her friends, stories featuring the tiny fairies who accompany her everywhere, transported in an old, wicker basket. On one occasion they fly together from tree to tree. On another, they work industriously to create a miniature party wonderland just right for tiny, magical creatures on the carpet of leaves beneath the trees.

Learning to let go as a parent

I hear the distant tinkle of laughter and see a flash of brightest pink as they run through the trees. Their voices calling to each other drift further and further away until I can see them no more from my perch on the top of the hill. My heart beats just a touch faster as they seconds pass and they still do not reappear. The rational part of my inner being attempts to shush my racing mind,

“They are together, flying beneath the trees.”

“They know not to go near the road on the other side.”

“I would hear them if they called out in alarm.”

The seconds pass as I peer into the distance hoping to spy pink but seeing only many, muted shades of green. I call but, although I can just hear their distant voices, there is no response. It has only been a minute, surely less than two, or has it? My anxious mind plays tricks on me and time appears to race. I call again and start to make my way down the hill, eyes scanning.

I try to give her space to explore, to know the joy of adventuring with friends but so often this freedom strains against every fibre or my protective, parenting instinct. I want her to be strong and confident and I know that she needs space and trust to develop independence. But every day I grapple with the question of how much is enough? What is safe at this age and stage? How much space? How do I let go of that which is most precious in the world to me?

My rational mind knows that my job as a parent includes equipping her with the necessary skills and behaviours to keep herself safe. I know I need to trust her and her choices as she learns to step boldly out into the world. I know that little by little, as the days and years pass, I need to learn to let her go.

But right now, in this moment, it seems the hardest thing in the world that I will ever have to do.

As I reach the bottom of the hill, I exhale in relief as I see them come running joyfully towards me. As I knew they would be, they are safe.

Raising kids is awesome. There is little more rewarding in the world than the love of a small human.

Related Posts

6 Things Your Children Will Be Truly Grateful For What your child needs most when they're angry

23 Comments

  1. Oh, Christie, my heart was leaping just reading! I wrote this just this morning:
    http://www.cloudlovebaby.com/2012/06/on-parenting/
    and *that* is what I remind myself when I’m not sure. And your gut instinct. It just knows. Maybe some days we just need more reassurance in ourselves. And that’s ok.

    It’s tough, this parenting gig, isn’t it! But *such* a good tough.
    x

    1. I love your comment, especially the ‘good’ tough – that is exactly it 🙂

  2. This is the third great parenting post I have read today thanks to Kathryn – who shared your link. I felt your anxiety as I read the post because I think it is a moment we all have regularly as parents. My boy is so brave and adventurous which is great and I do try to step back and let him be he’s own self in this world – but it can be scary!
    Love your post and will be following your blog!

    1. Thank you for visiting and commenting, Elle. It can be so hard to step back when they feel like an extension of your own self, almost like an extra arm 🙂

  3. I can so relate. I truly try to step back but it’s hard. Even now when we have a little land and we’ve told Little Eco she can roam the entire property as long as she doesn’t cross a fence. I find myself ‘spying’ on her every few minutes.

    Wonderful writing Christie. And the leaves on those ‘forest’ trees look a little like native Casuarina perhaps? x t.

    1. I think about the freedom to explore that I felt as a child but I am also mindful that I was probably still older than Immy is now when I had the chance to roam, plus there were usually lots of other kids around. It must be so wonderful to have your own space for roaming 🙂

  4. Love forest parks. Love your approach to parenting. Love you. xx

  5. My heart was in my mouth as I read this Christie. You inspire me so very much with all that you speak of and do. I respect you immensely…and I know that feeling all too well. I struggle with the stepping back but you’re so right, it’s easier to take it one step back at a time. Xxx

  6. I try to step back, but I also tend to set a rule that he can explore, but he has to keep me in sight, if he can’t see me he has gone too far.

  7. Oh I can so relate to this…

    I let my three ‘big’ kids go riding their bikes on the road out the front of our house. We live at the dead end of a country road… very rarely does a car ever get as far as our house. The kids know not to go past our neighbor’s driveway, they know to pull off onto the grass if they see or hear a car and I know that they are very good at sticking to those rules. I also know that a little bit of freedom is important for so many reasons… but oh sometimes it is so hard not to stand on our veranda and watch for cars every second they are out there…

  8. sometimes it is the hardest thing to step back but by doing so we let our children possibly fall over and make mistakes. And then they find the confidence and resilience to get back up again. They find their own skills and inner strength. It is hard. But a step we must all take

  9. Earlier this year we decided our 9 yr old boy was responsible enough to ride home from school with a friend. It was a hard decision to come to but we decided this would be a great first step to freedom for him. However on the very first day, he got home to say both his brakes had failed (we had dropped the bike off with him to school in the morning so had no clue), and he had ridden all the way home without brakes. I was mortified, overwhelmed with guilt (not sure why?!) but completely overwhelmingly relieved that he made it home ok. We had trusted his ‘smarts’ and he had made it home without incident or ill feeling. I was so proud of him for holding it together and just getting on with it. The bike is thankfully now fixed and he rides home once a week without any qualms. Little step. Big outcome.

  10. Beautifully written post ~ and an issue that I think all parents think about, ponder, and try to push our limits to allow them to soar! Mine are still little (under 4) but I still try to step back when it is appropriate, and when I do they seem to grow in leaps and bounds right in front of me.

  11. What a wonderfully inspiring post….the irony is that i began reading this yesterday and then had to go and check on the twins as it seemed to quiet…they were actually playing beautifully and i ruined the moment!
    I love the notion of taking one small step back at a time…i can manage that. I do find i am a little more zealous with twins than i was with their elder sister….i keep thinking one will ehad off to danger while i look after the other.
    But you have inspired me to give this a little more thought…even though my 16 yr old just went on her first date…hmmm stepping back, stepping back….x

  12. Oh my I was hanging off every word as I can sooo relate to this! My kids teach me so many things about life and letting go and stepping back is one of them. It is tough but also so rewarding. I have learnt to just breath and smile, lol! Thank you for your post Christie, so inspiring! 🙂

  13. I can totally relate to this, I believe in giving my older daughter freedom and letting her roam with her friends without me hovering over their every move. I do try but it is hard to quell the anxious feelings in my stomach when she is out of sight. Thank you for this lovely post, I will continue to try to step back and give my daughter room to explore.

  14. That was so beautifully written Christie, I almost wanted it to turn into a story and for you to take me far, far away. I certainly find it had just stepping back and letting go (in a way). Just sending my 3 y/o off to kinder for 2, 2.5hours sessions this year was much more difficult than I imagined it was going to be… but it’s amazing how easily we adapt and how unbelievably quickly kids adapt!

  15. Love the perspective in that last pic. And I love the message here. I find it hard to find the balance between keeping my kids safe, risk, and allowing them to explore and play. I often find wide open spaces are fabulous for this reason, because I can see them from a way off, so I know they are safe, but they have room to play too.

  16. Beautifully written. Almost like a novel that I did not want to end! I struggle with the same thing daily. It is nice to hear from another mom who shares the same inner-struggle.

  17. I can really identify with this post Christie, I’m finding this one of my biggest challenges at the moment. I love watching my girls run and explore and imagine, at the same time though there is so much anxiety and fear when they go beyond where I feel is ‘too far’ or if I lose sight of them for even a few minutes when we are in public. I’m hoping this eases as they get older because I’d love them to experience some of the freedom I had growing up.

Comments are closed.