Friendship: Helping Children Learn to Be Inclusive

At a very young age children begin to notice difference. I remember one time when Immy was about 18 months old and we were walking through a shopping centre and she stopped and stared as a very tall man of (I believe) African descent. I think she stopped as she had never before seen a person with such dark skin. He was lovely and smiled and even said a few words to her. Then she waved goodbye and off we went and I am sure she has never really thought about it again. More recently Immy observed a person in a wheelchair and in the manner of three year old openness said, “Why is he in a wheelchair for?” The man’s carer simply and matter of factly answered her question.

It is common for children as young as two to use gender labels and colour names, and for three year olds to demonstrate increasing awareness of gender and racial differences, and differences in people’s ability.

Not only do children begin to notice difference at a young age, they also begin observing what we (the significant adults in their life) value, and our own responses and reactions to difference. And how our children react to, include and accept others affects how popular they are as ‘friends’ to other children. If they are learning these social responses largely through our modeling (as I outlined in this post), our actions are very important to our children learning to be inclusive of others.

So what sorts of things can we do to help our children develop inclusive behaviours?

  • I think firstly it is important to view children as competent. Children are not inherently passive, waiting for us to fulfill their needs. They are driven by curiosity and a desire to learn about their world through being an active participant in it.
  • All children have different strengths and areas for development. Too often we spend all of our time and energy focusing on what they cannot do rather than celebrating what they can. Focusing on and celebrating a child’s strengths empowers them to feel more confident as an individual when they do face challenges.
  • One powerful way of recognising a child’s strengths in a meaningful way is to make them the ‘expert’ in their areas of competence. Saying, ” I saw Tom manage to do that just yesterday. Shall we ask Tom to remind us how he did it?” celebrates Tom’s achievement and engaging Tom as a peer mentor not only helps the child needing assistance but also reinforces Tom’s own learning.
  • From birth we compare our child with other children. It is natural and often reassuring for us as adults to do so. But it is not really very helpful to our child, and children hear and observe more than we often give them credit for, so we need to be careful not to speak comparatively about them in their presence.
  • Encourage cooperative behaviour rather than competitiveness. It is much better for our children to say, “Let’s do this together and help one another, where shall we start?” then to say, “I wonder who can get finish the fastest. Ready, set, go.” Studies have shown that children who refuse to cooperate are less popular with their peers.
  • It is true that every child is different. Every person is different. It is much better to discuss difference with a child as  a positive aspect of who they (or we) are. It is difference which makes people interesting and unique.
  • Model sensitivity to and respect for other people. Show empathy.
  • Maintain consistent expectations for each child when it comes to enforcing family ‘rules.’
  • Talk with a child (and truly listen) to better understand their knowledge and theories of social justice issues and how they came to their understandings. Such conversations can begin at two or three years of age;

Child “Jessie is a girl.”

Adult “What makes you think that?”

Child “She wears fairy wings.”

Adult “Don’t boys wear fairy wings too if they wish too.”

Child “No, just girls.”

Adult “But I have seen Sam dress up in fairy wings and he is a boy.”

  • When talking with children assist them to challenge bias, prejudice and stereotypes, through questioning and sharing your own beliefs and understandings.
  • Encourage role playing and dramatic play. This is how children become more aware of how it feels to be someone else.

In what ways do you encourage your child/ren to be inclusive and tolerant of others?

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12 Comments

  1. Catherine says:

    I have read and agree with the idea that intolerance happens when you ignore or try to brush away and not talk about difference. It is open discussion of difference that creates tolerance, even though sometimes children will bring up this topic at the wrong time.

  2. My husband and I were just talking about how much JDaniel needed to work on this last night.

  3. I really love this post. The tip about not using competition as a means to get something done is something I need to work on, because I sometimes find myself resorting to that with my boys when I’m feeling desperate.
    My oldest son has been really concerned lately about people who are homeless. My husband’s work has a homeless food center near his work and so every time we drive by he asks a lot of questions about them, and has even started crying when he’s learned that they don’t have homes. He gets his tools out all the time, and tells me he’s going to build them a house. He’s so sweet and sensitive, and I’m not sure of the best way to talk to him about it without placing too heavy a burden on his shoulders. I was thinking of finding some way that we can volunteer or help them, so that he can see them as people and help them in some way.
    Anyway…this gives me something to think about. Thanks!

    1. Jane, your little boy sounds so wonderfully caring. I actually have a guest post that I am waiting on from a family who volunteers to a number of different causes, maybe it will include some helpful information for you.

  4. Some great ideas Christie. We found that our second and third sons are quite aware and empathic to the differences of people which I largely put down to having an elder brother who has a visual disability. From well under 2 both boys were aware of this and their instinct to help him do some tasks always amazed us. We also had to be careful therefore to focus on his many other strengths which has I hope given all our boys a more rounded persepctive of the uniqeness of us all and the importance of appreciating that we all have differences that need to be embraced. (and Jane…what a gorgeous little boy you have)

    1. Thank you for your comment, Martine. It sounds like your sons are growing with wonderful sensitivity.

  5. Francesca says:

    I’m really enjoying this series about friendship, thank you. My eldest, (5yo), is naturally introverted and likes playing by himself or with one other person, so when others try and join him, he can come across as rude and excluding. I have tried to encourage him how to manage this, to be honest and say when he’d like to play by himself but to express this is a kind way. Finding this balance is hard for children. Or at least it seems to be for my son. But we’re getting there and he is actually becoming more open to other children, especially since starting school. He’s ‘coming out of himself’ as they say. Which is lovely to watch.

  6. MultipleMum says:

    I have found that my kids tend to notice ‘difference’ but accept it too. When I give them an explanation for a child in a wheelchair, or a boy with an accent, they generally just say ‘oh!’ and get on with things. Like most things child-rearing related, positive role modelling is really important to improve inclusivity. Great post Christie! x

  7. Thank you for the fascinating series of posts.

    My girls are both considered ‘different’ and I encourage them both to embrace their differences as strengths and also to see the differences in others as good things, not bad things.

    From birth my girls have known friends of ours who are same sex couples. To Annie and Heidi it is not different, or strange for girls to love girls, or boys to love boys. In fact Annie can’t really understand why people consider same sex relationships different because to her they are so much part of normal life.

    Which really reinforces to me that children don’t see something as different / wrong until adults teach them … however unintentionally that may be.

    Leading into my next huge revelation.

    We live in a suburb which is predominantly white, although there are more families from other cultures moving in. I had not really noticed how this was impacting on my girls experience of race/ethnicity until Heidi came home from school one day very upset about ‘a brown boy’ something had happened where a boy had taken a toy she was playing with. Heidi’s described the boy using his skin colour but then made a horrifying leap of logic that all brown boys were mean.

    I was stunned and horrified and so was my husband, we explained to Heidi that people have different skin colours, pulled up Diego and Sesame St on YouTube and explained that good people and bad people can come in all different shapes and sizes. That what is important is how a person acts not how a person looks.

    Very challenging to explain to a child on the Autism spectrum. Took us many weeks, her teacher helped with some kids books on the topic.

    It was interesting to me also because throughout Annie’s time in Kinder and school her friends have always been the new kids and the children from foreign countries who are ‘different’ the ‘outsiders’. Annie a far better understanding of different cultures because of this, Heidi however managed to make a couple of friends in Kinder and stuck with them through her years and thus didn’t have the same experiences Annie did.

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