Dear Mama, Follow Your Heart

Today I am excited to welcome our newest contributor, Sara of Happiness is Here, to share her thoughts on growing into parenthood.

Dear Mama, follow your heart

I remember the feeling of having my first daughter. The excitement we felt of welcoming this new little person into our family.

I also remember the anxious feeling when we left the hospital, pushed out into the world, this newly formed family of three, expected to care for this tiny human all on our own. I think I had a conversation with my husband about how strange it was that they were just letting us take this baby home, by ourselves. Us! What did we know? How on earth would we know what to do?

We worked it out, slowly. And as we all know, it’s not hard to find advice. The parenting section of any bookstore is full of it! Online there’s even more. All around you there is advice about what you should (and should not) be doing.

You should not rock your baby to sleep.
You should not feed your baby to sleep.
You should not pick your baby up every time they cry.
Your baby should sleep by themselves.
You should most definitely not create bad habits.

So many rules! So many ‘should’s.’ No wonder new parents often feel so stressed!

What am I doing wrong?

When your baby isn’t sleeping all night, when you’re sleep deprived and can’t even get a shower on your own, it’s hard to keep those doubts out of your mind.

Nothing Mama.

Nothing at all.

It took me about 8 months after I had my first daughter to really let go. To trust myself. To realise that my baby hadn’t read the parenting books, she was just a baby needing her Mum. I was her Mum and I knew what to do. I didn’t need to keep fighting to change her into this fictional baby that she was supposedly meant to be. These parenting ‘experts’ may know what works for some babies, but they have never had my baby.

I am the expert on my babies.

Now, having had three babies, things are a bit different. I know what to do. I trust myself. I am more relaxed, and things are much easier. And so I want to tell you something I wished I had learnt a little earlier, to save myself some stress…

Dear Mama, wading through the advice, you’re doing alright. Put down the books. YOU are the Mama to this tiny person. That makes YOU the expert. Listen to your heart Mama. You know what to do.

Dear Mama, this time goes fast. Soon enough that tiny baby, who is so dependent, will be pushing chubby hands against your chest, wriggling to be put down and explore. This time of little sleep, of big demands on your body and time, will be over all too soon. Forget about the ‘rules’. Let it go. Enjoy yourself. Do what works for you. Choose the easiest path. You can’t spoil that baby. You can’t give him too much love.

Dear Mama, you’ll find your way. Take all the support around you. Take the help too. But, leave the advice if it’s not for you. Leave the ‘should’s’  and ‘should not’s’ behind.

Dear Mama, just follow your heart.

Dear Mama, follow your heart

How did you manage all of the advice as a first time parent? Did it also take you time to trust yourself to know what’s best as a parent?

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19 Comments

  1. Love this…

    I struggled a lot as a new mum. I had all these ‘ideals’ of how things ‘should be’ and nothing at all went to plan… it took me a long time to learn to let go.

  2. Jess - Memoirs of a Childhood says:

    This is so lovely, it would have been so comforting to me when I was newly navigating parenting 🙂

  3. what a great post! so very true!!! haven’t we all been there at one point? this post should be handed out to every new mom in this world. love it!

  4. This is so lovely, thank you. And I think your message of following your heart and trusting your instincts as a mother is important for moms to keep in mind with children of all ages., not just infants. The advice and “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” never seems to stop, does it?

  5. stephanie callaghan says:

    Ha! I too remember walking out the hospita, unable to believe they were letting us clueless parents take this baby home! The half hr it took to make sure the car seat was properly fitted, and the fear that any driver within half a mile might hit our car and harm our precious baby!!
    My brother and his girlfriend travelled from Australia to Scotland and stayed with us for the 1st month……luckily I didn’t know this was likely the most terrible idea ever, until the arrangements were confirmed and it was too late to back out! But it actually turned out to be absolutely the BEST idea ever, and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
    I still come into contact with lots of new mums, (bresstfeeding, reflux and camping support), and my 1st bit of advice is always the same: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS – YOU are the expert on YOUR baby!
    Mother nature, and millions of years of evolution, mean mums notice tiny changes in their babies behaviour that are imperceptible to anyone else, even the best medical ‘experts’. Even when we can’t put our finger on it, we instinctively know when somethings not right with our baby or child. There is a ton of evidence to support this fact, and its ensured the survival of our species.
    I did read tons of parenting stuff, and actually found some it very helpful, but I stuck with the stuff that suited me best. Like most other things, info and advice is useful for helping us to form our own opinions/conclusions, get some perspecyive, and help us to decide what’s right for our own family! 🙂

  6. This is a lovely article. Thanks for putting it into words, Sara. I feel like it took about 8 months with my first newborn to reach the same conclusion. Falling prey to everyone else’s advice is easy when you’re new to the role, have little experience with newborns and are drastically sleep deprived!. So it’s nice to reach a point when you can feel confident that you are truly the best at being your child’s mother. Because that’s the truth, even in the times when it just doesn’t feel like it.
    Warm thoughts to new mums everywhere.

  7. The first time I ever held a baby was when my daughter arrived into the world. I was never interested in children before and struggled accepting my unplanned pregnancy. Looking back, I actually now realise this was probably the best thing i could have done for exactly the reasons in your blog. I never read a parenting book, I had no idea how to care for a baby and once she arrived all I instinctively knew how to do was love her- but the rest didn’t matter. We worked it out as we went along and I’m proud of everything we have achieved together. I firmly believe there is no right or wrong way of doing things. There is no set ‘best’ way. My advice to any new parents echoes the blog- don’t listen to anyone else except your baby, then just do whatever you feel is right. You’ll both figure out how to work together and THAT is the best way xxx

  8. It took me 2 years to reach that conclusion… 2 years. it was very hard for me to let go because there is always something new, always another phase, always someone to take advice from. I was always running, unsatisfied of what i was doing and I was stressed. 2 years to realize that there is no “ideal” to reach, and that I’m THE mama my daughter needs, not the perfect one from XYZ magazine.
    Thank you so much for reminding me that the “perfect” advice is just “BE”

  9. It took me 2 years to reach that conclusion… 2 years. it was very hard for me to let go because there is always something new, always another phase, always someone to take advice from. I was always running, unsatisfied of what i was doing and I was stressed. 2 years to realize that there is no “ideal” to reach, and that I’m THE mama my daughter needs, not the perfect one from XYZ magazine.
    Thank you so much for reminding me that the “perfect” advice, is just “BE”

  10. Thanks for this entry! There is so much self-doubt with your first child (and many moments after). There are so many people who chime in with their well-intentioned advice, when really all you need to hear is, “you’re doing a good job,” and “you’re a great Mom!”

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