Surviving Motherhood: Routines Are a Good Thing, Aren’t They?
Many adults like routine. They like each day to be predictable, without surprises. They like to know what to expect from their day. Me, not so much. I get bored with too much routine. When I was working outside the home I liked each day to have fresh challenges, problems to solve, ideas and action. Lots of action.
Now I am a Mum who works from home. With children who need routine.
But sometimes, this routine, it’s brainsuckingly hard work.
I know children thrive on routine. I have seen this in my work as a teacher. And at home. Right from when they were baby’s, my children have had routines for eating, sleeping and playing. And generally it works really well. So we have stuck to our routines. We have a morning routine, a mealtime routine and an evening routine. A routine for each day of the week. And when you really break it down, we even have routines within routines.
The routines change over time and they do have some flexibility. But still some days it gets to be too much. Too much sameness – another load of washing on, once again home by twelve for lunch before nap time, another meal cooked and on the table at six o’clock. The minutes crawl by on those days and I start to wonder, are routines such a good thing after all?
Because some days the routine makes me feel crazy.
On those days we might do something to change up our day, to add some spontaneity. Like staying out for a picnic lunch at the beach with friends. So what if we skip nap time today? She’ll have a little kip in the car on the way home anyway. It is just one day, right.
Hmmm…
The resultant now completely over tired, nearly 3 year old taking four times as long to get to sleep that night, with tears and melodramatics during our normally predictable and peaceful flow through dinner and bath and bed. I then wonder if it was really worth it, messing with the routine?!! After all, the routine works.
Even if it makes me crazy.
Are you an adult who likes routine or do you prefer each day to be unique? How do you manage when the routine overwhelms you and makes you crazy?
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Too much routine drives me total barmy. My girls and husband however thrive upon it. Knowing what is happening when and doing the same things on the same days makes them happy.
I’m a person who really does like routines. But at times my kids routine does make me feel very limited – especially nap/sleep times. Now, I just recognise the consequences of messing up their routine and decide if what I want to do is important enough to me to make up for the consequences.
Exactly!
I too think routine is important but I prefer to think of it as a rhythm. A rhythm seems to have more flexibility. It’s a predictable flow. Things happen at about the same time but not necessarily at the same place. We spend afternoons outdoors, my son has come to expect this, but outdoors could be anywhere; park, beach, pool, anywhere. I completely agree that children need a rhythm to their lives; as do we all. I feel much more productive and purposeful when our family has a rhythm. We all feel less stressed and our days flow more easily. There’s still spontaneity, creativity and investigation and I think these things are possible because we have a family rhythm.
I have never been a person of routine and now at age 79 I am still the same. I had a reasonable routine when my 2 children where young for their sake as children do need to feel secure but my advice to anyone bogged down by too much routine is this: keep the variations going from time to time and from that you will develop a new routine; one of not being quite so strict which will allow more flexibility in all your lives. At least give it a go and don’t fret if at times it doesn’t seem to work as I am sure over a period of not too long you will find it should work. Good luck.
I think as they get older it does get much easier to be more flexible with changes in their routine. When Mr Small dropped his mid-day sleep last year it was the first time in SEVEN years I could organise a lunch date knowing it would be okay. I understand your frustration completely though, but I always felt sticking to a routine was a fair price to pay for children who were settled and content. You know, mostly 😉
I am so glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel…eventually!
Now our kids are a little older (4 & 5) and not needing afternoon naps we don’t have many routines. There are the obvious; school, breakfast, lunch and dinner but outside of these I like to keep routines to a minimum. I find that there are less tantrums and demands for a routine action if they are not expected. For example: Bedtime usually has a story with it but not always, there may be a trade with a different activity. We used to always have a story with bedtime but on a few occassions this was not possible and then the downside of being tied to a routine would rear its ugly head.
As for me, I work three days a week and on my off days I have regular duties that have to be done to keep the wheels moving. I don’t always do the same thing on these days each and every week. Too much routine would drive me nuts however they are unavoidable at times.
I have always had a routine with my 2 year old son. But it has always been to follow his lead. When he was little I let him tell me what times he was hungry or wanted a nap or simply wanted some alone or mummy time. All I had to do was keep to these times consistently and he was happy. Now he is older he leads by somtimes wanting eat later or not eat at all, skip his midday nap, stay up till late at night with mum and dad, not wear a nappy or shoes or to be outside all day playing in the backyard and forget about reading his books. I have always let him do all of these things. I am just there to guide him and support him so that he feels comfortable and safe but ultimately he decides what his routine is and I just keep repeating it until it no longer works, then it’s time to change it again.
I am a project manager, so not surprisingly I do like routines. What I don’t like is that my daughter can “out project manager” me and stretch her routines into what feels like eternity. I feel like some of our routines require major overhaul to compact them back to reasonable time, because it now takes almost 2 hours to get her to bed, and by the time she is there I am cranky and exhausted myself.
I normally don’t follow a strict routine but having kids has somewhat changed that. I know what a crappy afternoon or evening is waiting for me if I decide to change it up a bit. Then when you’ve got that routine down and actually enjoy it and plan with it they go and change it! Or they get sick and it changes that’s what frustrates me the most.
i had so many things (..)happening in my life that I really like to have some routines because they are better for both, my son and for me (&my husband, his kids etc).
but I dread to be stuck in routines that paralyze you and don’t allow you to do fun, spontaneous things from time to time.
with Tornado starting school last week, we have put up some new rules and I am trying to stick to them, but they are also broken by some exceptions / highlights and rewards that make the routine a little bit sweeter. I think I must figure it out for myself too 🙂 especially, the rewards !
We have quite a strong routine in our house, but I would go completely nuts if we came back for lunch every day! We nearly always have lunch out, which means eating somewhere different every day, and no cleaning the kitchen floor for that meal! What I find hard is the transitional times, when they are heading into a new routine but struggling with the reduced sleep or whatever. Also, you don’t know if they are going to take that nap or not, so it’s hard to plan and hard not knowing if you will be getting a break or not!
no routines here. well very loose routines. we have to take the dog to exercise and do that before lunch. we have a nap but that can be anywhere from 2-4 going down. and bedtime is 10-midnight (he’s a late sleeper)…and in there we get food. and play. and some type of art – music or craft. and reading lots of reading.
i had a friend who I hadn’t spoken to in years call a few months ago and she had a two year old and had already started home schooling her and was scheduled down to 15 minutes. ugh…I cannot even imagine doing that. makes me nauseated to think of it. I know if my child is acting out because he’s hungry or tired or whatever (usually) without having to have it written and do. I also don’t do regular baths…when he’s dirty I bathe him. another friend bathes her kids every night despite her son’s bleeding dry skin…seems to me we aren’t teaching our kids to thrive flexibly in a world where we are so stuck on routine we actually harm them from it.
I’ve always followed what I like to call a flexible routine, fairly similar to what yours sounds like Christie, and Charlotte (now 28mo) has thrived in that environment. The baby (6mo) is starting to get into a more predictable routine now, hopefully I can sync the two of them up (or at least their sleeps).
We’ve had an interesting experience recently though – we’ve been staying with family interstate for 2 months while our renovations are completed. As fun as it has been, it has completely thrown both girls and I have never seen more tears, tantrums and grumpiness from them, who are usually very placid. So much overstimulation, varied sleep/meal times etc etc. Every day has been different and it has really reinforced for me that children (especially toddlers) need their little routines and to understand what to expect.
We’re home next week so hopefully things should settle down soon!
I really hope things settle back to normal very quickly for you all.
I am challenged by routine. I thrived working two part-time jobs because days would be different. As an actor, I could count on a show routine only lasting for a certain amount of time and then the next show would be different. So while I value routine, I work best with lots of flexibility and change. My little person? She is all about routine, routine, routine. I have seen the positive results of going with it since she was a baby but it still challenges me. Now at almost 4, she is even the enforcer of routine sometimes. Last week I asked her if she wanted to skip quiet time to do something special and she said “no.” I’ve accepted that for now, routine is huge in my life. I’m working on regaining flexibility and spontaneity in evenings instead of falling into the clean-up, e-mail, fall-into-bed routine! I’m so glad to read other commenters wtih older children…that is heartening.
In my limited experience it seems to be based on the child. Some children are free spirits and thrive in situations that allow them to step outside routine and flourish without much consequence. I’m a mom of a little girl that not only thrives on routine, but it’s a survival mechanism for her (and me). Although just like anyone else, stuff comes up all the time that veers off her typical schedule – but we pay for it dearly. She’s probably the most rigid kid I know.
I’m a routine sort of person too, but not as rigid as K can be. I can entirely understand the frustration of needing to change it up and enjoy the moment. I’ve learned in my situation the pay-off is usually high levels of stimming and irritation from the kid. In the end I’d rather be an irritated mom who needs a break from the routine, than the mom of a child who broke from the routine and is making us all pay for it. 🙂