“But I haven’t finished talking!”
“You never listen to what I am saying!”
A few months ago I was hearing these two phrases (and others like) it much too regularly from Immy (who has just turned six). It would often be in response to my request for her to do something, with her trying to enter into a negotiation to make whatever I was requesting happen her way. I would usually be in a rush or repeating a request and so would try to shut down the negotiation to get everyone moving and things happening. It would most often become heated and the words would be grumbled or yelled in frustration,
“But I haven’t finished talking!”
“You never listen to what I am saying!”
It was frustrating for her and for me. And it wasn’t getting us anywhere. If anything, it had the potential to damage the lines of communication between us, and these are lines I want to keep well and truly open with my kids.
After stopping to really think it through, I realised a few things;
Firstly, that Immy was obviously wanting to feel an element of control or choice as a result of a perfectly normal, developmental search for independence.
Secondly, that the most effective way to deal with the situation would be for me – the adult and the only person in the situation I could control – to change my reaction or response as soon as I saw this particular storm brewing.
And, that as hard as it can be when I feel busy or stressed, I needed to pause to give her time to form her thoughts and express them. Even when I knew it would not or could not change the outcome.
Shutting her down with my words was not shutting down the argument. And it just left us both feeling miserable. She wasn’t feeling valued as a person with needs, thoughts and feelings. She wasn’t feeling that I respected whatever it was that she was doing when I interrupted her with my requests. She wasn’t feeling heard because in all honesty, I wasn’t listening.
So now I am trying to remind myself to take a breath and pause. To listen.
It’s not about giving in or letting her have her own way. It’s about giving her time and space to feel heard and to be part of the conversation of family life. And for us to actually have a conversation. Keeping those all important lines of communication well and truly open.
Breathe. Pause. Listen.
Do you have cause to pause with your own children?
A little about the Parent Smarter, Not Harder series;
I don’t claim to be any sort of parenting expert. Far from it. I am is a mum and an early childhood teacher who has worked with lots of families over many years. I read a lot. I try things out. Some things work and some just don’t. This monthly series of posts is about sharing simple, effective parenting strategies and ideas that I have tried and found to work. Of course, each family is totally unique so feel free to take any of the suggestions presented and tweak them to suit yours.
Visit the previous Parent Smarter, Not Harder posts by clicking on an image below…
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Christie Burnett is an early childhood teacher, presenter, writer and the editor of Childhood 101. More importantly, she is a Mum who believes wholeheartedly in the value of children learning through play, the importance of quality early education, and the togetherness of family.
