WINNER BEST PARENTING BLOG 2009 & 2011

Heart Broken

Sometimes when I share my experiences or give advice in real life or online, I cop a little grief as the mother of only one child. Some consider that I have it easy, that I am not realistic or don’t understand, not being subject to the juggling act which many mothers of multiple children face. And although I have worked professionally with many families with multiple children, it IS different when it comes to your own family. I can definitely see their point. But in all honesty, and as I have shared before, if I had my way and my life had been different, I would welcome a soccer team of children into my life – well, maybe half a team anyway :) I love being a Mum.

For some time now I have struggled with the idea of Immy being an only child. She is so sociable and loves her ‘samily’ (those f’s are still confused with s’s), loves other children, loves babies and even named one of her most beloved dolls after a friend’s baby boy.

I hear that most, if not all, of the Mums back in my Sydney newborn mothers group have welcomed (or are pregnant with) their second baby, their families have grown, evolved.

My heart has long been heavy with the idea of us remaining a family with one child.

Four months ago we found out we were pregnant with our second child. We were excited, despite the nausea which struck morning, noon and night, despite the sheer exhaustion which this pregnancy bought with it, and despite the unexpected death of my Nanna when I was already feeling so tired. Like many expectant parents we decided not to tell people about our pregnancy until we passed that magic twelve week mark. Unfortunately for us, right from our early seven week dating scan there were inklings that all might not be okay with this pregnancy. We continued to put off telling many people as we were faced more scans and more tests to gather information in an attempt to understand what was happening. In fact for many, even close family and friends, this will be the first they have heard about our baby.

The week before last we said goodbye to our baby. A baby boy.

And now I feel like I am walking through wet concrete wearing night goggles; everything is heavy and dark with blurs of fluorescent shooting past from time to time.

I need to sleep, to forget. I need to be awake, to soak up every minute with the little girl I do have, my solace, for which my heart is forever grateful. When I do lie down to close my eyes, my body will not rest. When I am awake, there are reminders everywhere of what we have lost. Even the joy of my child’s smile makes me sad for what we have lost, for the brother she will never know.

If you asked those who know me well in real life they will tell you how I always hesitated at the idea of being pregnant again. Concerned about my age, I knew the risks increased with each passing day. It seems my intuition was right. And now my heart is pierced not only by the loss of this child, it is torn in two by the loss of a dream.

For I cannot imagine ever going through this again.

And so my plea to you is this, never judge a woman by how many children she has, as you never know how many she carries in her heart.

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Comments

  1. Oh Chrsitie, I really feel for you. The last week or so I suddenly had a thought as to what might have been going on, and I am so sad for you. Hope things improve with time, I can't imagine what it must have been like for all these weeks. *hugs*

  2. tiff(threeringcircus) says:

    Christie,

    I'm so sorry that your little guy is not with you.
    It's so traumatic, losing a baby, losing all of those hopes and dreams, losing part of yourself.

    I have no advice, just warm thoughts for you and your family and wishing you peace and strength to get through each day.

  3. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  4. xxx

  5. You are in my thoughts, mama.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the last line . . . it is very well said.

    Many your days get brighter with each day as you move forward, even if you struggle to move on.

  7. Little Billies says:

    Oh Christie, my heart goes out to you… I am sorry for your loss.

    S x

  8. I am so very sorry for your loss.

  9. innerpickle says:

    oh Christie.

    I have nothing, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your incredibly personal story, it was generous and brave and helpful.

    virtual hug and cup of tea xxx

  10. You do an amazing job and your blog provides inspiration and often adds so much to my family's day. Please know you are in my thoughts and i imagine the thoughts of all the women that read your blog.

  11. I hate for anyone to have to go through this. Thank you for sharing your heart and for that last line.

  12. My heart broke reading your post. Noone, nothing can prepare you for that kind of heartbreak. I lost a little one earlier this year too. We weren't past the "safe" stage, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. I can only imagine that your hurt is even worse.
    I wish I could fix it for you, or say something to make you feel better, but all I can say is that I'm sending lots of love and warmth for your beautiful family.

  13. Oh honey. I saw your comment on my blog and have been meaning to get in touch. I know there are no words. There just aren't any. It hurts so much. I send my understanding. And my love. xx

  14. My tears are falling for you, Christie. For the loss of your baby, the loss of dreams and the loss of your hope. I have just gone through a miscarriage after an ectopic pregnancy so I can understand a lot of the emotions you are going through although I guess we are fortunate that we are in the position to try again someday. No one can ever understand completely what you go through. Here's my blog post about our loss if you feel up to reading it, but will understand if it's too close to home:
    http://abunchofkeys.blogspot.com/2010/09/loss-of-another-baby.html
    Lots and lots of love to you and your family. Be gentle on yourself. xoxo

  15. Stacy of KSW says:

    I can not offer any words that will make you feel any better, but I am pretty good with {{{{HUGS}}}} Prayers are being said for your entire family in our house tonight.

  16. Oh, Christie. It is so painful to lose a pregnancy, even when you have more than one child already or believe / know you'll go on to have others. My only loss was well before I had my daughters, in my early 20s in fact, and it hurt, hurt, hurt, even though I was young, healthy, and confident I'd have more.

    I cannot imagine how much heavier it makes your heart, knowing that this signals that Immy will likely be an only child.

    You and your family have all my sympathies, and my thoughts, at this difficult time. And as a mother of three, who probably *has* been guilty in the past of making assumptions about parents of singletons, I will take your words very much to heart and avoid such hurtful language and assumptions in the future.

    *Hugs* to you all.

  17. Aspiring Mum says:

    My heart goes out to you and your family.

  18. So sorry Christie. How wonderfully brave of you to share your story here. Hugs from Qld.

  19. Zoey @ Good Goog says:

    I am so sorry, Christie. I don't think anyone can really understand how heartbreaking it is losing a little one before you've even had the chance to meet them and get to know them.

    I hope you can find what you need in the love of your family and support of your friends.

  20. Christie, I am so sorry for your loss. While I have never experienced a loss such as yours I really understand the loss of your dream.

    My ob butchered me during the birth of our first child, and I will never be able to have another child. I learnt this in the first week of being a mum and struggled with this knowledge for at least the first two years (and as my mums group expanded their broods a number of times).

    I too am judged for having one child as we dont share our story with everyone. I hope you find your way during these challenging and heartbreaking times.

  21. I'm so so sorry :(

    Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.

  22. Anne@LittleSproutBooks says:

    Christie, Like we cannot judge other mothers by the number of children they have, we also cannot ever understand another's grief or pain. Though I don't know you personally and I don't know your loss, I wish you strength and peace.

  23. Big hugs to you! Losing a baby is so heartbreaking. I've struggled with the decision to have a second child as well, and we've had 4 miscarriages along the way. I am content to have just one child, but I have become more and more aware of the stereotypes of only children (mostly false!). I'm so sorry for your loss!

  24. Honor Bowden says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. xxx

  25. Super Sarah says:

    I have been feeling heartsore for you without knowing the full story, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I hope that you can find healing and peace in the coming months. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.

  26. I have an angel boy too. I know your loss. Time helps to heal, as does sharing your journey. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone either. X

  27. Taylor Made says:

    XXX

  28. Kawaii for You says:

    Oh Christie. I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news and am thinking of you. That was a wonderful quote you've put at the end of the post and definitely something we should all remember. Hugs and kisses… Christine xo

  29. Joyful Learner says:

    As a mother of an only child too, thank you for speaking out about something so personal but needed. I am truly sorry for your loss and my heart breaks reading your story. I pray for healing for you and your family.

  30. I read your post and couldn't not comment. I am so sorry for your loss, and that it was a drawn out process for you.
    Take care of yourself and thank you for all the inspiration you provide to other mums, whether they have one, two or more children.

  31. Oh Christie. Sending you lots of love. I am do terribly sorry for your loss. xxx

  32. The Handmaden says:

    I'm sorry to hear this very sad news, please take care.

  33. •´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• says:

    Oh Christie, I am so sorry your little boy couldn't stay.
    I understand about the loss of a dream, I am heartbroken for you too.
    I never, ever, thought I get pregnant again.

    (((Hugs))) there are so many things I could say but nothing to express what I really want to say.

    I just want to give you a huge hug and cry with you.
    Losing a baby opens up a chasm … such that in those first days, weeks, (even months & years) we think we will never climb out of it.

    I am wishing you much strength and love for your family to hold each other tight.

  34. Joyfulmama says:

    Oh dear, dear friend across the ocean, I so love your blog and have come to love you and Immy through your posts. When you retreated a week or so ago I guessed this was the reason – being a mom who has also experienced a miscarriage, I sensed your feeling of loss. This is such a terribly lonely place to be in, and I pray that you will find rest, and comfort. There are no words of advice. Just know that you are loved.

  35. Miscellaneous-Mum says:

    I'm very very sorry to hear that. Thinking of you all x

  36. Holding you and your family in the light xx

  37. So Now What? says:

    Hi Christie, I don't know you well but want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry, so hard and can only be digested by you.

    xxxxx

  38. I am so sorry for your loss and your family.
    I wish you all the best in healing.

  39. I am very sorry for your loss. And I wholeheartedly agree with your comment that you cannot know what people are carrying in their heart and so cannot judge. And I'm happy to say that it is having and being around children that has really brought that home to me.

  40. xo

  41. PaisleyJade says:

    All my love – have just shared today about similar journey. xox

  42. Christie, you are such a beautiful soul and my heart breaks for you.
    I have 'had grief' from a mother of one before, but never from you. You are honest, you are real and you are compassionate.
    I too 'lost' a pregnancy after my first. I didn't get to know if it was a boy or girl because apparently it was (as they told me)a phantom pregnancy and there never was a baby…despite weeks of morning sickness and still feeling pregnant after I heard that devastating news. I didn't miscarry naturally and had to go in for 'the procedure'. I'm an older mum too. So I thought that was it, I was destined to have one…and then only two months later I was pregnant with my 2nd, who is 3 in 2 days.
    I can feel your pain, and I can relate. And I wish you all the happiness in the world. Whether it be the mum of one or more. You are blessed and you are a wonderful mother and role model. xx

  43. I can't start to imagine and have no words that will make a difference. I just hope that you will see 'light' again soon.

  44. The Awakened Heart says:

    Your honesty and open heartedness in the midst of so much pain, is truly incredible and my heart aches for you. I have just had my second baby at the ripe old age of 40 (nearly 41!), my sister had her second at 41, my friend had hers at 42. If this is something that you long for, as you seem to, then never say never. Not until you are absolutely sure. Such a loss can test you to the limits and shatter your heart into a million bleedign pieces. I know. But wait a little and then make whatever decision you come to, final. Some spirits only come to us for a little while but I believe there is some blessing even in that. And don't let age frighten you. I am contemplating a third but not for at least two more years, so I'll be 43 nearly 44 by the time I make that decision. In the meantime, my heart sends yours much love.

  45. so sorry to hear this christie and thanks for your courage to share here, and your last statement spot on. It is so easy to judge others and not think of the reasons behind and doesnt have to be a reason – what is one families choice not others. Thinking of you x

  46. I am so very sorry for your loss of your baby boy.

    Our family will be praying for your family and you will certainly be in our thoughts.

  47. Oh the heart-ache. I am so sorry for your great loss. Take care.

  48. Christie,

    I am so very sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you in the coming days.

    Much love! xx

  49. Christie, my heartaches for you and your family. Thinking of you xoxox

  50. Oh dear! I'm so sorry about your loss. Truly I am. I'm keeping you in prayer, hang in there… *hugs*

  51. Dearest Christie,

    I barely know you, reading your blog only occasionally when I see something that piques my interest on FB, but I felt compelled to post.

    Words can't express how sorry I am for you, and the sadness I feel for you and your family at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  52. So sorry for your loss. Miscarriages suck. hugs at this sad time xx

  53. My thoughts are with you and your family, Christie. xx

  54. Cathy at NurtureStore says:

    So sorry Christie to hear about your little boy and hoping you, your husband and Immy will find comfort together.

  55. Raising a Happy Child says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss!

  56. I'm very sorry. Sending you my best wishes.

  57. I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family…

  58. So sad to hear of your loss, how awful for you and for all the family. The pain of miscarriage is intense. Thinking of you.

  59. This is an important reminder for us all, none of us know the path another is walking…

    With many tears and much love….

  60. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    I lost a baby boy too, almost 1/2 way through the pregnancy and I was devastated for quite awhile afterward. What helped most during that time was my then 2 year old for whom I had to keep on getting out of bed in the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep and never wake up.

    Still, there is no comfort when you think of what could have and should have been.

    I hope you'll be able to find some measure of peace and some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and your baby will always be a part of you.

  61. I am so, so sorry, Christie. No one should have to endure the loss of a child. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  62. I am so sorry to hear of your loss! This misery is a terrible ache in the heart. It will take time to heal but you WILL!

    I went through the same thing a couple of years ago and it's so hard to accept that you have an "only" when its not by your choice.

    I wanted so badly for my daughter to have a sibling but it just isn't going to happen for us. I'm 42 and had a miscarriage when my daughter was about 6 mos. We tried IVF three times for a second child- but no luck. I feel that God must know me better than myself or something so he's only blessing me with one.

    Your desire for a larger family is in my prayers and can be a reality that may surprise you someday. May peace be with you and your family.

  63. Hugs to you my friend.xxx

  64. Christie, I feel for you too as I have the same experience what you have gone through. It happened just the same day when you wrote your blog.
    Take care and God is your strength as He is to me.

  65. Dear, Dear Christie

    I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. I'm crying.

    And whether someone has one child or twelve, we are ALL Mums!

    xx

  66. Oh my god, I had no idea. I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. ((HUG)) I too have been through this, and I send you my best thoughts and wishes during this very sad time.

  67. Christie I am so very sorry for your loss.
    Sending my love to you.

    xo
    Megan

  68. PlanningQueen says:

    So sad Christie. Beautifully written. Hope you are doing ok.

  69. I'm behind on my blog reading and just saw this post. I am SO sorry for your loss! You are in my prayers.

  70. I am the mother to 5 beautiful children. Between our 3rd and 4th child, I was 8 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. I believe our baby was a girl and she would have been born in Oct. She would be about to turn 5. I had a dream a couple of nights earlier of her saying good-bye. She will always hold a special place in my heart.

    Mothering magazine did a wonderful article on miscarriage. I've found the link to the article but imbeded in the article were several poems and other bits which I can't find. Here is a link to the article:http://mothering.com/pregnancy-birth/the-need-to-grieve-miscarriage

    Here is the poem that touched my heart and my best friend/sister , Serenity, had it printed and framed for me to hang in rememberance of our little girl:

    Nobody Knew You

    Nobody knew you
    ” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
    …existed.

    Nobody knew you
    ” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
    …were real

    Nobody knew you
    ” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.
    It’s all for the best.”
    …were perfect.

    Nobody knew you
    ” You can always have another!”
    …were unique.

    Nobody knew you
    ” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
    …were loved for yourself.

    Nobody knew you
    …but us.
    And we will always remember
    …You.

    By Jan Cosby

  71. Wow, DMDR that made me start bawling, thats exactly how it went too. I miscarried at 7 weeks in June. There were so many signals telling me it wasn't a normal pregnancy and I didn't listen to any of them.
    The baby was always too small to see on the sonogram. I didn't really get attached to a baby, I never saw the heartbeat and I know several aunts of mine have had hysterical pregnancies so loosing the pregnancy wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. But my body wouldn't allow me to forget. I was so emotional and my hair fell out so bad like it has after the birth of each of my others. I had to nap 3 times a day and everyone wanted me to get right back to work. I cried a lot. Weirdest of all was that no one would really talk with me about it. I put myself in their shoes and couldn't think of anything I would say either. so hard to know what to say at times.

  72. I've just found this post Christine, and would just like to add my own sincere condolences to this long list of supporters. Against the backdrop of your recent heart break, I think your new take on halloween – the open door and community space of the porch – is pure and beautiful.

    I love what you do here on this blog, thank you for all your inspiration, energy and honesty. xx

  73. All my sincerest love to you Christie and yor family…

  74. Christie, I’ve only just found this post now. Lost for words. If you were around, I’d give you a big bear hug. xo P

  75. I am so sorry for your loss! We have had 5 pregnancy losses; 3 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. It is hard. It does get better though (or it did for me). With our fourth pregnancy, I nearly died from the internal bleeding. I was so sure that we were going to have THIS baby that I ignored serious signs of the ectopic pregnancy and internal bleeding. A special Scripture during this time was Psalm 34. The 18th verse says, “The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Now is a time when the LORD is near you though it may not feel very much like it at all. I am praying that you will be able to reach out to Him.

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