Sometimes when I share my experiences or give advice in real life or online, I cop a little grief as the mother of only one child. Some consider that I have it easy, that I am not realistic or don’t understand, not being subject to the juggling act which many mothers of multiple children face. And although I have worked professionally with many families with multiple children, it IS different when it comes to your own family. I can definitely see their point. But in all honesty, and as I have shared before, if I had my way and my life had been different, I would welcome a soccer team of children into my life – well, maybe half a team anyway 🙂 I love being a Mum.
For some time now I have struggled with the idea of Immy being an only child. She is so sociable and loves her ‘samily’ (those f’s are still confused with s’s), loves other children, loves babies and even named one of her most beloved dolls after a friend’s baby boy.
I hear that most, if not all, of the Mums back in my Sydney newborn mothers group have welcomed (or are pregnant with) their second baby, their families have grown, evolved.
My heart has long been heavy with the idea of us remaining a family with one child.
Four months ago we found out we were pregnant with our second child. We were excited, despite the nausea which struck morning, noon and night, despite the sheer exhaustion which this pregnancy bought with it, and despite the unexpected death of my Nanna when I was already feeling so tired. Like many expectant parents we decided not to tell people about our pregnancy until we passed that magic twelve week mark. Unfortunately for us, right from our early seven week dating scan there were inklings that all might not be okay with this pregnancy. We continued to put off telling many people as we were faced more scans and more tests to gather information in an attempt to understand what was happening. In fact for many, even close family and friends, this will be the first they have heard about our baby.
The week before last we said goodbye to our baby. A baby boy.
And now I feel like I am walking through wet concrete wearing night goggles; everything is heavy and dark with blurs of fluorescent shooting past from time to time.
I need to sleep, to forget. I need to be awake, to soak up every minute with the little girl I do have, my solace, for which my heart is forever grateful. When I do lie down to close my eyes, my body will not rest. When I am awake, there are reminders everywhere of what we have lost. Even the joy of my child’s smile makes me sad for what we have lost, for the brother she will never know.
If you asked those who know me well in real life they will tell you how I always hesitated at the idea of being pregnant again. Concerned about my age, I knew the risks increased with each passing day. It seems my intuition was right. And now my heart is pierced not only by the loss of this child, it is torn in two by the loss of a dream.
For I cannot imagine ever going through this again.
And so my plea to you is this, never judge a woman by how many children she has, as you never know how many she carries in her heart.
Christie Burnett is a teacher, presenter, writer and the mother of two. She created Childhood 101 as a place for teachers and parents to access engaging, high quality learning ideas.
I'm so sorry that your little guy is not with you.
It's so traumatic, losing a baby, losing all of those hopes and dreams, losing part of yourself.
I have no advice, just warm thoughts for you and your family and wishing you peace and strength to get through each day.
Many your days get brighter with each day as you move forward, even if you struggle to move on.
S x
I have nothing, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your incredibly personal story, it was generous and brave and helpful.
virtual hug and cup of tea xxx
I wish I could fix it for you, or say something to make you feel better, but all I can say is that I'm sending lots of love and warmth for your beautiful family.
http://abunchofkeys.blogspot.com/2010/09/loss-of-another-baby.html
Lots and lots of love to you and your family. Be gentle on yourself. xoxo
I cannot imagine how much heavier it makes your heart, knowing that this signals that Immy will likely be an only child.
You and your family have all my sympathies, and my thoughts, at this difficult time. And as a mother of three, who probably *has* been guilty in the past of making assumptions about parents of singletons, I will take your words very much to heart and avoid such hurtful language and assumptions in the future.
*Hugs* to you all.
I hope you can find what you need in the love of your family and support of your friends.
My ob butchered me during the birth of our first child, and I will never be able to have another child. I learnt this in the first week of being a mum and struggled with this knowledge for at least the first two years (and as my mums group expanded their broods a number of times).
I too am judged for having one child as we dont share our story with everyone. I hope you find your way during these challenging and heartbreaking times.
Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.
Take care of yourself and thank you for all the inspiration you provide to other mums, whether they have one, two or more children.
I understand about the loss of a dream, I am heartbroken for you too.
I never, ever, thought I get pregnant again.
(((Hugs))) there are so many things I could say but nothing to express what I really want to say.
I just want to give you a huge hug and cry with you.
Losing a baby opens up a chasm ... such that in those first days, weeks, (even months & years) we think we will never climb out of it.
I am wishing you much strength and love for your family to hold each other tight.
xxxxx
I wish you all the best in healing.
I have 'had grief' from a mother of one before, but never from you. You are honest, you are real and you are compassionate.
I too 'lost' a pregnancy after my first. I didn't get to know if it was a boy or girl because apparently it was (as they told me)a phantom pregnancy and there never was a baby...despite weeks of morning sickness and still feeling pregnant after I heard that devastating news. I didn't miscarry naturally and had to go in for 'the procedure'. I'm an older mum too. So I thought that was it, I was destined to have one...and then only two months later I was pregnant with my 2nd, who is 3 in 2 days.
I can feel your pain, and I can relate. And I wish you all the happiness in the world. Whether it be the mum of one or more. You are blessed and you are a wonderful mother and role model. xx
Our family will be praying for your family and you will certainly be in our thoughts.
I am so very sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you in the coming days.
Much love! xx
I barely know you, reading your blog only occasionally when I see something that piques my interest on FB, but I felt compelled to post.
Words can't express how sorry I am for you, and the sadness I feel for you and your family at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
With many tears and much love....
I lost a baby boy too, almost 1/2 way through the pregnancy and I was devastated for quite awhile afterward. What helped most during that time was my then 2 year old for whom I had to keep on getting out of bed in the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep and never wake up.
Still, there is no comfort when you think of what could have and should have been.
I hope you'll be able to find some measure of peace and some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and your baby will always be a part of you.
I went through the same thing a couple of years ago and it's so hard to accept that you have an "only" when its not by your choice.
I wanted so badly for my daughter to have a sibling but it just isn't going to happen for us. I'm 42 and had a miscarriage when my daughter was about 6 mos. We tried IVF three times for a second child- but no luck. I feel that God must know me better than myself or something so he's only blessing me with one.
Your desire for a larger family is in my prayers and can be a reality that may surprise you someday. May peace be with you and your family.
Take care and God is your strength as He is to me.
I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. I'm crying.
And whether someone has one child or twelve, we are ALL Mums!
xx
Sending my love to you.
xo
Megan
Mothering magazine did a wonderful article on miscarriage. I've found the link to the article but imbeded in the article were several poems and other bits which I can't find. Here is a link to the article:http://mothering.com/pregnancy-birth/the-need-to-grieve-miscarriage
Here is the poem that touched my heart and my best friend/sister , Serenity, had it printed and framed for me to hang in rememberance of our little girl:
Nobody Knew You
Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.
Nobody knew you
” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real
Nobody knew you
” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.
It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.
Nobody knew you
” You can always have another!”
…were unique.
Nobody knew you
” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.
Nobody knew you
…but us.
And we will always remember
…You.
By Jan Cosby
The baby was always too small to see on the sonogram. I didn't really get attached to a baby, I never saw the heartbeat and I know several aunts of mine have had hysterical pregnancies so loosing the pregnancy wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. But my body wouldn't allow me to forget. I was so emotional and my hair fell out so bad like it has after the birth of each of my others. I had to nap 3 times a day and everyone wanted me to get right back to work. I cried a lot. Weirdest of all was that no one would really talk with me about it. I put myself in their shoes and couldn't think of anything I would say either. so hard to know what to say at times.
I love what you do here on this blog, thank you for all your inspiration, energy and honesty. xx