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Mum 2 Mum: Do you have ‘help?’

I recently received this question from a reader via email…

Hi, I am a stay at home mum, with two super active boys, 1& 3. I’m doing a full time study load externally and my husband works away for weeks at a time. I only know a few other mums and don’t have a lot of time to socialise with people with kids (the housework, Uni and kids leave me exhausted most days!) and the only family member we have who lives in this area can only take the kids for a few hours every few weeks, due to her own work commitments.

I have both boys in Kindy two days a week, I usually leave them for 6 hours or so, and we are paying $300 per fortnight. There is a lot of bullying in my older boys class which I have tried addressing numerous times and overall, I wonder if I am being selfish to put my kids in care- though I think I’d go crazy with them at home 24/7 given our lack of support.

Are there any other alternatives to long day care that have worked for others? Are there childcare rebates for part time in-home carers? There has to be another way! I’ve thought about Demi Pair/ Au Pair/ nanny share (absolutely can’t afford a full time nanny nor do I need that much care). I can’t study while they are at home and by bedtime I’m usually too frazzled to study much. Can anyone offer any alternatives? My 1 year old is still breastfed and wakes frequently too, I feel like I’m running on empty but don’t want to quit study as I’d like to be able to start work in this area as soon as possible. Please help!!

From when Immy was 18 months through to about three and a half we had an in-home helper one morning a week who came to play with Immy while I worked furiously to get as much writing done (at home) as I could in that time. A year later and I have more paid work commitments and both a baby and a kindergartener so Dad 101 and I have recently been talking about ways to more effectively managed the load. It has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks and I have plans to write more about this topic and our decision (hopefully soon!) so I too am interested in the experiences of other families.

Did/do you have help? What type and how did it work?  Please share your experiences of managing the home/work/study/whatever-life-throws-at-you load!

What is Mum 2 Mum? Mum 2 Mum is a place where as online friends we can share a little of our own experiences, so why not pop in for a cuppa and join the conversation.

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Christie Burnett is a teacher, presenter, writer and the mother of two. She created Childhood 101 as a place for teachers and parents to access engaging, high quality learning ideas.

Read the comments or scroll down to add your own:

  1. Kate says

    A friend who had two children very close together would get a 'mommy's helper' in the house for a few hours each week, as needed. The helper was usually just under babysitting age and would keep the kids entertained and out of mischief while she got some writing and chores done.

  2. Rebekah@GoldenGleam says

    With my one daughter, I didn't hire outside help. But I had no other commitments besides taking care of our home, meal prep, and obviously taking care of her. The grandparents live with us so we do get an hour or two, here or there, but it's not regular and both of them work full time. We will be adopting more children soon, and I have plans to hire a once a week houseekeeper and gardener. I will most likely get a nanny to come in a one or two evenings a week when my husband works late to help with the "witching hour."

  3. bubble936 says

    I am managing a 4 year old boy ( who goes to kinder 3 times a week) and a 2 week old boy at home all the time, my husband works in another state from monday to thursday.Its really very hard without family support.

  4. Susan Rogan says

    I am a mother, but also run a nanny agency so let me declare any vested interest upfront. I believe that it is good to share the parenting of children, a role extended family has traditionally done, but these days many grandparents work or are off exploring the world, maiden aunts who come to stay and help no longer exist, and the mobility of families mean young people are often far from their support networks when they are in their child-bearing years. Let me give you the bad news first: there is no child care rebate for in-home care. That said, you still have options: You might be surprised at how affordable it is to have the services of a part-time nanny(don't freak out at the word) and Family Tax Benefit and there is a small allowance for Registered Care (through FAO) so check with nanny agencies in your area You could change your kindy if bullying is a problem and nothing is done to deal with the issue You could explore the availability of Family Day Care, which does attract the childcare rebate You could check with the FAO whether there is a federally funded In-Home Care program in your area, which given your studies and your husband's prolonged absences, you may be eligible for. Sorry to have been so long winded but hope you might find this helpful. Good luck!

    • Kae says

      Hi Susan- I appreciate your reply- I decided to have a look at your page and looks like you are a little to far south!! Any ideas where I'd start looking Gold Coast area?! Also what is the Fao funded In Home Care? Never heard of that. Kind Regards, K

      • Susan Rogan says

        Hi Kae, In Home Care is a federal government program. You will find more details about it at: http://www.deewr.gov.au/Earlychildhood/Programs/ChildCareforServices/SupportforChildCareServices/Pages/InHomeCare.aspx If you want to find which is yopur nearest provider, check http://www.nica.org.au/ If all else fails, perhaps you and your family should move south! Seriously, I do suggest you check out as many help options as you can. You are obviously under a lot of stress studying and caring for your children while you husband is away. Good luck, Susan

  5. withkidsmakes5 says

    I am a full-time student with 3 children 5 and under and I have help - lots of it!!! I don't think I could be a sane person or a decent mother if I didn't have assistance. I feel that having time to myself to study and exercise makes the time I spend with them more enjoyable and focussed. My eldest is at school this year, my 4 year old goes to preschool 3 days a week, and my 2 year old goes to long-day care 3 days a week. On top of this we have a nanny one day a week - which means that my husband and I are both able to do a long working day - the house is clean and the children are fed when we get home, without the hassle of drop-offs and pick-ups. Additionally, my parents have the two youngest separately for half-one day a week (depending on my workload). I am lucky to have my parents close by and my in-laws in the same town. My other life saver is a cleaner once a fortnight!! I am very lucky to be in funded study, with part-time work and an extremely supportive husband - who's business allows him to have some flexibility in work hours. It does mean we both work at home at night frequently... This works for our family and our kids are all happy with their respective care environments. I would suggest looking for another childcare centre nearby given the issues you have had with bullying. Another option is an au-pair - which given the hours they work/week is extremely reasonable - if you have the room. You are not selfish for putting your kids in care. The opportunity to extend and do something for yourself is important, and like me probably makes you a better parent!! Good luck with your decision :)

  6. Erin says

    I have three children, 5, 3 and 15 months and we live 30 minutes from the nearest town on a farm. I work part-time and the children attend long day care on the days I have work commitments, adn due to our distance from town usually arrive home in the dark. My husband is a farmer, and is gone sun up to sun down (or later) nearly 7 days a week. Due to his long hours, he has no inclination to help with housework or any household duties when he gets home, although he does participate in the kids nightime routine of bath, dinner etc. I am lucky if I can convince him to mow the lawn before it gets up to our knees. We have sporting commitments on the weekends, ourselves and our eldest child, and I am lucky to be able to leave the kids with my Mum whilst I play netball and my husband goes to rugby. We were barely coping, and something had to give. I was very fortunate to come across an older lady who was volunteering through my workplace who was looking for casual 'mother's help' work, and is now coming to our place once a fortnight (and sometime's weekly, depending on how I am feeling) to play with the kids whilst I madly do the housework and get organised for the next week. Life is still chaotic, but it has been a load off my mind to have someone entertaining the kids that didn't involve ABCkids. I was a nanny in my early twenties and thought I could do it all, and I suffered for so long because I wouldn't admit to myself that I needed help. I love my kids, but sometimes I just need a break and it took me a long time to allow myself to get help and not feel guilty for it.

  7. Jacquie says

    I have 3 boys aged 9, 6 & almost 5. I work 3 days a week & have just returned to study this semester as well. We have our own business & my husband works long hours as well as coaching both our older boys' footy teams. My kids have always gone to daycare 2 days a week from when they were about 8 months old until they started full time school. My youngest is currently at daycare 2 days a week & school 2 days a week. At the moment I work in school hours but I have used after school care in the past as well. I have a cleaner who comes once a week & I've recently found an ironing lady who does a basket of ironing once a week for me as well. I say get all the help you can! It makes my life so much more manageable.

  8. Bianca says

    We have 3 kids, one being a newborn. Soon I'll have to get back to working 2 days outside the house, my boyfriend works outside the house for 3 days. He runs his own business on the side, and I have a website to maintain (hoping it will generate some extra income). We both will start a study next schoolyear. Gosh, it sounds crazy when I type this out loud... I would LOVE to have a mom's helper, but we cannot afford it for the time being. We do have 1 day of daycare for the 2 youngest children, the oldest goes to school during the week. Mom's helpers are not widely available in our region, and I wouldn't want to have 'just anybody' in our house. It would be difficult to find someone that can do the things we want her to do (or it will be difficult to lower our standards...)

  9. Ashley says

    I definitely have help, and I think it is totally necessary when you have young children. Although it is necessary doesn't mean you have to sacrifice for sub-par care though. If you are unhappy with the current care I would implore your reader to take steps to find alternative solutions. I one time kept a sitter around for 3 months because I thought she was "fine," but once I decided to find someone new I realized that there were people out there who are just fantastic and that you shouldn't settle when it comes to your kids. I now have a 2 yr old and a 5 month old and I have a sitter come for 4 hours 2 afternoons a week (overlaps nap time so I'm not missing too much), and at least one evening a week so my husband and I can go out. It's an expense, but I always come back rejuvenated and a better mother to my kids.

  10. Lusi says

    We have 5 children 10 years and under. 2 of our children have autism (high functioning but still very much with their own challenges). My husband has become a full time carer for one of these guys. I homeschool the kids full time and none of them are in care. The youngest (11 months) has extreme anxiety and so we have recently qualified for a respite carer to visit for 2 hours a week for the sole purpose of holding the baby and getting him used to relating to people other than me. I have the most supportive sister-in-law in the world and a great neighbour but other than that we don't have any other support really. Other than with my SIL, I couldn't leave the kids with any one so hubs and I could go out on a date together so we do in-home date nights! On some Sunday mornings, I head out to a cafe on my own and have a yummy brekky. We are soon moving to a town 3 hours away from my SIL, respite carer and other family and friends. I'm not sure how it will all pan out but we felt it was the right thing to do for our family. Hoping we find people and resources to connect in with.

  11. Katie says

    My mil spends 1 day per week with my daughter & I also usually also do a lot of work on Saturdays when hubs is home. If I'm still behind I usually do a "kid swap" with a friend- I take hers one day, she takes mine one day. There is also a play place near us that offers care. I stay on premises & work in the coffee shop while my daughter plays supervised by the staff. Working from home is so tricky, but I've also worked a "normal" job and I'll take this over that any day!

  12. Kathy says

    I didn't have scheduled help when my eldest was a baby, although my mum was a doting grandma who dropped by at least twice a week, so I did get opportunities to nip out to dr, shops or just to grab a coffee solo. When I returned to work when she was 9 months old, I worked 2 days a week from home without help and one day a week in the office while my mum had my daughter. I found that really difficult TBH. After my second baby was born, when no. 1 was 21 months old, I hired a fortnightly cleaner and when I returned to work 6 months later, I negotiated to work only two days and do all my hours from home. I then hired a mother's help 10 hrs a week - two 5 hr blocks - and booked my mum in to spend a set day per fortnight with us. This arrangement lasted two years and definitely helped that time be happy and productive. After my youngest was born, I didn't manage to arrange things nearly so well; I had a run of terrible luck with babysitters and cleaners and ended up, by the time my youngest was 15 months old, working 2 days a week at home but under pressure to increase my hours, no cleaner, no mother's help, my mum not able to visit due to her own work commitments, and my husband interstate every second week for work. This with a 6 year old in school, a 5 year old in kinder, and a high needs toddler. I stuck it out for 6 months but every day was a massive struggle. Eventually I quit my job (Christmas 2010), reconfigured my life, and my toddler started one day a week of creche after she turned 2. I gave myself 6 months off paid work altogether, then started building up a consulting business from July 2011. By this April, I had enough work to justify 2 days a week at creche for the now 3yo. I think in home carers are magnificent if you get the right person but miserable if it isn't a good match. I personally have found a good creche to be a more consistent and reliable option now that my C is that bit older.

  13. Kylie @ Octavia and Vicky says

    I am so grateful for the help I have raising for our two year old. I work five days a fortnight as a teacher. Our toddler goes to (the most lovely, high quality) long day care for four of the five days, and is cared for by Grandma on the other day. On top of that Grandma cares for her one day a fortnight so I can plan lessons and clean the house. I would LOVE a cleaner but can't stretch the budget that far. We also have two other sets of Grandparents and lots of Aunties and Uncles to call on for extra support if we need it. My heart goes out to people going it alone.

  14. Helen says

    I had a 16 month gap between my children (now 2 and 9 months) and had little help as we had no relatives nearby and my husband worked long hours. When my youngest was a couple of months I remember googling mummy burnout, because I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by the responsbilities. At this point we engaged the help of a family friend who would visit for three hours on a weekday and play with the children so that I could do chores. It's still a struggle, but manageable.

  15. Kae says

    Hi ladies- all your responses have left me realising I need to make a change or burnout is inevitable- if not already. I admit I do envy all of you with a lot of family and support and wish this was more the case in our situation. I think hubby deciding to be away for two weeks on, 3 days home, has been the breaking point here. I will be looking into in home care although I'm not sure where to start. I could just quit my course but if not now when?! It's great to hear from those of you who have come up with workable solutions & creative approaches. I am considering asking the only close friend I have in this area to do a child swap. My mil lives around the corner sadly but is too wrapped up in her own life. The littlies would just love to see her more, unfortunately she is not the "doting" grandma I'd hoped for, but oh well, you live you learn! It is a pity we moved from a larger area that I knew more people though as she said she wanted to see them more.... Oh the irony of life!! It seems like there are a few of you out there that have survived similar lol by using less traditional options. Re my little one being "bullied", it's a 3 year old class and there is unfortunately a group of 3-4 kids that pick on the other kids. It has been partially addressed but sadly this is mainly ineffective as their parents aren't interested in following through with recommendations. I realised after reading all the wonderful posts here that I am living with sky high anxiety levels arm due to all of the factors I listed and I plan to do whatever it takes to make things easier from here in it, for the sake of my sanity & well being. Thanks dearly for all your feedback & input :) K

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