Parenting Styles: Reactive or Proactive?
Definition
Reactive: Tending to be responsive or to react to a stimulus. Characterized by reaction.
Proactive: Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than waiting to respond to it after it has happened.
~The Free Dictionary online
As parents we all spend some of our time operating from each of the reactive and proactive ends of the parenting spectrum.
We are reactive when we call out, “Stop,” to our child when we perceive they are in danger or when we in frustration declare,”Right. We will not be going to/doing xxx.” In contrast, we are proactive when we say, “Five more minutes of playtime and then it is time for your bath,” or when we sing our way through a tidy up time. Being proactive, or the creator or causing influence of what happens in our home, is the more positive place to operate from for both ourselves and our children.
But sometimes we fall into the trap of becoming more reactive then proactive in our interactions with our children. We are tired. Or distracted. Or frustrated. Or we fall into a pattern of negative interactions. And this is when we most often begin to feel frustrated, powerless or disillusioned at our parenting ability. We question ourselves, “What am I doing wrong?” and our children, “Why do I have the only child who xxx?”
It is when we find ourselves falling back into a reactive position which is becoming all to familiar and achieving little, that we need to stop, take stock and make a conscious decision to change our reaction, our response, to try something new, and to become more proactive in the situation.
Some of the ways to achieve a more proactive stance include;
- Get into the habit of providing a verbal commentary for your day. Talk to your child about what you are doing, even the mundane and give lots of positive warnings of upcoming transitions – like going out or naptime.
- Practise giving your child the opportunity to feel more control by letting them make (appropriate to their development) choices. You can read more about choices in this post here.
- Look at the situation from your child’s perspective. Consider their age and stage of development, their personality type and influences on the current behaviour. Is there a developmental factor contributing to their behaviour – frustration at being unable to communicate what they want, or unwillingness to nap meaning it might be time to drop a nap, are two examples of where development may be influencing behaviour.
- Where you are dealing with an ongoing behavioural situation, try looking for patterns within your child’s behaviour or ongoing contributing factors. What is the trigger? Is it happening at the same time of day each day? Is your child tired? Hungry? Bored? Seeking attention as you attend to another child or other tasks? Knowing what is influencing the behaviour can help you work out a potential solution.
- When something isn’t working, try reacting in an opposite manner. For example, instead of feeling frustrated and bribing or threatening consequences (which usually doesn’t work anyway), start quietly singing. Let your child know that you are there and are aware of their behaviour but you are not going to engage (and therefore escalate) them further in a negative way.
- As children grow and develop, their needs and responses change. Keep this in mind if a strategy that has worked before stops working. It could be time to change directions and try something new.
- Look for a way to circumvent the development of a negative situation. If your child is resisting bath time could you make it more fun by adding some bath crayons? If they are acting out whilst you are feeding a new baby, could you set them up with a special story and book on CD to listen to? Look for creative ways to engage your child positively at these times.
- Find a way to make it fun. When Immy resists getting into the bath or going into her bedroom, Dad 101 or I will pretend to be an animal and invite her to be one too. Invariably one of us becomes a crocodile or a tiger, stalking the other. It makes the transition fun and works a charm.
- Children sometimes act up if they are craving our attention. This can be frustrating when we have much to do and little time. Try involving your child in your household tasks – young children enjoy washing dishes and anything which involves a little water in a spray bottle – like dusting or cleaning windows.
Have you recently faced some challenging behaviour which caused you to act more reactive than proactive? What was the behaviour and what did you try (or could you try) to get back to a more positive, proactive place?
If you feel that you need more help stocking you behaviour guidance toolkit, I suggest the ebook, Parenting With Positive Guidance, by child development expert Amanda Morgan (this is an affiliate link).
Related Posts
- Can We Love Our Children Too Much?
- Why Kids Are No Good At Being Good
- Invasion of the Body Snatchers: Dealing With Toddler Tantrums
- Using a Reward Chart as a Positive Parenting Tool
Fantastic article Christie, so full of great advice for mums to take on board.
Thanks Cath
I shared this article with a friend of mine today – it was very timely!
I hope she found it useful, Deborah.
Great article and timely for me as I have just been working on a tantrum post, the bulk of which relies on foreseeing problems before they occur and thus being more proactive. It is much easier to get a child “back on track” before the tantrum takes hold. This is where we must also rely on instinct, knowing what our childs triggers are and having a back up plan to avert the course least desired! And you have some great ideas here for doing just that!
Did you read my mind??? This post was just what I needed. I have been struggling with the morning routines for getting my eldest to school on time. I tried a morning chart and it didn’t work so I gave up. I blogged about my morning today and breaking it down into a timeframe, I came up with proactive options! Lunch is in the fridge, and Goose has been told she has to be dressed BEFORE breakfast and no one is allowed into the playroom (which is where they normally start their mornings drawing) until AFTER they are 100% ready. If this doesn’t work, I will be back to reread your post and remind myself I want to be a proactive parent for my girls 🙂
Thanks for sharing this article, Christie. Even though I don’t have kids (am still quite far from having them), I’ll keep this in mind for the future 🙂
Belly B
http://www.papertiaras.com
Great post- you’ve collected really sensible ideas and presented really well.
I am a new follower from Cairns. I look forward to enjoying more of your posts.
We also have a family friendly blogand posted on leading kids by example and the importance of consistency in parenting.
We are also trying to put together a bank of resources for parents.
Please drop by our blog when you have a minute.
I love the idea that you can choose how you will parent. Often I hear people say “No, no, no!” All of the time, and often I do the same thing. I have to stop and get out of that rut and I can often do that by redirecting my little one. Then I am able to get back into a more positive flow. Thanks for the though provoking post!
Hello Christie. I really enjoyed learning about this magazine and will definitely look out for it.
Of course I would love to win one of the two subscriptions. What a gift for Oscar and Isabella – you should see them now! Not the little tots that I handed over to you all those years ago.. xx Charlotta
Mamma Mia! I have just responded to the wrong post.. I was reading several of your latest posts in different tabs.. Silly me.
Will copy and paste the above comment into the right post.
As for the above article. So interesting and your list of tips are very useful.
I have always tried to see the kids as ‘real people’ and don’t like them to feel less important just because they happen to be ‘little’. In fact I find myself learning so much from them every day. Children are fascinating and very wise – they possess so many wonderful qualities that sometimes are lost in adults.
Thanks for your, always, wonderful posts Christie.
Hugs
xx Charlotta
Thanks Christie for the post. A good reminder not to get into a negative rut that can be so easy to do. I’ve been thinking about rewards vs bribes and threats vs consequences and would value your thoughts. If we foretell our little ones the reward they’re getting if they behave how is it different to a bribe? And how is explaining negative consequences different from threats?
Thanks for this great post Christie! You’ve definitely encouraged me to be more proactive. It’s made me realise how haphazard I am, which doesn’t sit well with Mr.8’s character. I have noticed more positive responses from my 3 kids if I anticipate and prepare better.
What a well-written post! I’m planning on sharing it with my readers this weekend. Thanks for the link as well!
Our problem is physical reactivity… I have an almost 5 year old son who gets physical with everyone int he house… punching, kicking, throwing things at us and screaming. This happens countless times everyday, pretty much any time things don’t go exactly as he thinks they should or if he’s asked to wait a few mintues for something. I react physically to him, my anger gets out of control. I feel desperate for an answer and I’ve been searching for years (this has been a problem with him from the beginning of his life). Does anyone have any advice? I cannot for the life of me figure out what this child needs and how to give it to him.
Great points Christie. I’ve found that making things fun or injecting a bit of humour into a situation helps so much. It’s not so much detracting from what’s going on, but helps to refocus my mindset.
That is a great tip, Debbie, thank you 🙂
It’s interesting that you mention that kids act up sometimes to get our attention. I’ve been noticing that with my 5-year-old. When I’m busy, or otherwise not paying attention to what she’s doing, she’ll do things to deliberately make me angry. That whole “even bad attention is attention” theory is true!
It’s so true, Emma. Hope you found some useful suggestions in the post.
perfect definition 🙂