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Why Kids are No Good at Being Good

Childhood 101 | Why kids are no good at being good

She is a good teacher = satisfactory in quality or quantity.

It is good that you are here = right, proper.

He did a good deed = kind, generous.

They have a good name = honorable or worthy.

Her credit is good = financially sound.

He was a good man = morally excellent.

She demonstrated good judgment = sound or valid.

Fresh fruit is good for you = healthy, beneficial.

I have good news = favourable

The meat is still good after three months in the freezer = edible.

I am in good spirits = cheerful, optimistic.

She is a good friend of mine = close or intimate.

I am good at arithmetic = competent or skillful.

It’s a good day for fishing = advantageous.

He has good manners = socially adept.

I wore my good suit to the wedding = best or most dressy.

We stock canned goods = articles of trade.

She will come to no good = end in failure.

I am leaving, this time for good = finally and permanently.

I could go on with examples but I am pretty sure that you get my drift. Telling a child to “be good” is not an effective manner of guiding their behaviour as good has so many meanings, many of them are completely variable, and our interpretations of them are inconsistent, ie. what I think is good might be completely different to what you think is good.

So, instead of telling your child to “be good,” provide them with a specific instruction regarding what you are expecting from them behaviourally, given the situation you are entering. For example,

“Whilst we are at the library, we use a quiet voice.”
“When Elsie comes to play we share the playdough with her.”
“We use our walking feet inside.”

It may take a bit more thought and some practise to get into the habit of being more specific about your expectations but I can assure you that it will be a whole lot more effective than telling your child to just “be good.”

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Christie Burnett is an early childhood teacher, presenter, writer and the editor of Childhood 101. More importantly, she is a Mum who believes wholeheartedly in the value of children learning through play, the importance of quality early education, and the togetherness of family.

Read more of Christie's adventures at https://childhood101.com.

Read the comments or scroll down to add your own:

  1. SquiggleMum says

    January 27, 2010 at 1:25 PM

    I'm a HUGE fan of this. I think it's far better to talk about specific behaviours. I often use the phrase "I like the way you..." instead of simply "good girl/boy".

  3. Rizoleey.wordpress.com says

    January 27, 2010 at 7:23 PM

    So True, such a teacher thing to say as well. Describing the desired behaviour is always a quicker way of gaining it. Kids are not mind readers.

  4. miss carly says

    January 27, 2010 at 9:13 PM

    I also use 'I' messages. Whereby you are explaining in terms of yourself why you don't want the children to do what they are doing. And like Catherine/Squiggle Mum said "I like the way you.." or "Could you explain your painting, I think it looks.." or "Tell me about your drawing."

    I am forever trying to pull out the children's theories and ideas behind why they created each piece of work.

  5. Kendra says

    January 27, 2010 at 9:28 PM

    Very important thoughts! I try to be as explicit as possible with my kids, though I do sometimes fall back on things like "be a good listener." (Though it's better than "be good," it's not as good as instructions like "listen when people are talking and try not to interrupt," for example.) But the more we can explain to our kids what we're expecting of them, the better chance they have at being successful!

  6. Kathy says

    January 27, 2010 at 9:42 PM

    I agree wholeheartedly. Children need to understand what your expectations are if they are to have any hope of fulfilling them. Vague instructions are useless for little kids and not much better for older ones!

    I tend to use a Rule of Threes with my elder kids (6.5 and nearly 5) - ie. "We are going into the supermarket now. When we are there, I'd like you to stay with the trolley, use your quiet talking voice, and help me by choosing the fruit and vegetables." Or "Here we are at the park! While we are here, I would like you to stay where I can see you, wait patiently for your turn when other children are using the swings, and help me to amuse the baby on the play equipment".

    I always throw in one task-oriented thing that they enjoy (and that actually helps me!) as it makes it less of a lecture in my mind, and aids with my objective of developing their own skills and abilities. And I think three things is possible for kids to remember, but more is harder. Too many rules / restrictions is just setting yourself up for failure & frustration.

  7. Michele says

    January 28, 2010 at 1:20 AM

    Love it! Trained in and ran Triple P Positive Parenting groups (Prof Matt Sanders Uni of QLD Parenting and Family Support Centre & Child Health/Community Health) for many years BC (in my pre-Mum days) and it teaches same sort of thing ie being specific in both your instructions and your praise
    Great article and reminder (I even forget sometimes)

  8. Zoey @ Good Goog says

    January 29, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    I couldn't agree more! The kind of behaviours we describe as 'good' in children are often not considered to be positive behaviours in adulthood. Taking the time to explain things is definitely worth it.

  9. Maggie Macaulay says

    February 1, 2010 at 3:45 PM

    In teaching the Redirecting Children's Behavior course, we encourage parents to do exactly what you suggest. Thanks for this post and a link will be in our February 9th issue of Parenting News You Can Use, a free weekly ezine for parents and teachers. To subscribe, please visit www.WholeHeartedParenting.com. Please let me know any other ways we can support you!

  10. Amber, The Unlikely Mama says

    February 2, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    This post is going in my saved folder! Since reading a lot of what Zoey (GoodGoog) has written on Unconditional Parenting...and now this super simple (but oh so perfect) breakdown of "good", I find myself really noticing my overuse of the word. My daughter isn't old enough to really understand much just yet, but I'm trying to get in the habit of speaking more clearly now while I have time to mess up :-)

  11. Shaun Hoyle says

    February 16, 2010 at 2:43 PM

    Concise, and supportive of respecting the whole child. Thank you for the posting on behalf of the millions of children of our world. Your passion allows them to share & be whom they are meant to be. To me, that's whats important here.

  12. Olga Bloch says

    March 18, 2010 at 8:55 PM

    I think we sometimes forget that the same words can have so many different meanings. We just assume our kids know what we are saying. Thanks for this great reminder that communication depends on the receiving end, not the other way around. Thanks Olga Bloch

  13. Jamie @ hands on : as we grow says

    January 27, 2011 at 7:13 AM

    I just told my son to "be good" and thought - maybe I should be more specific as to what that means... and then I read this post - and it totally hit it right on. Thanks! I agree with the previous poster - keep posting stuff like this. It really is a 'wake up call' to parents and sometimes its just needed - even if it should be common sense.

  14. Autherine says

    January 27, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    Love this post! I have 3 boys and telling them to be good doesn't mean much. I will post our link on my website http://www.boysrising.blogspot.com.

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