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Worrisome and Weariness

They lay beside me in the dark, taunting me, arguing with each other.

The first has been there for nine months now, filling my mind with swirling ‘What ifs?’ and my slumber with dark dreams.

:: Will everything be okay this time? Will I bring home a healthy baby?

:: It’s been so long, can I remember how to feed, soothe, bathe, settle a bub?

:: Will I have enough love for two children? How can I possibly love another as much as I do my first?

:: How different will it be this time with kindy routines and a four year old who also needs me?

:: I need to pack a bag. What do I pack? I can’t remember. What will I need?

:: This little one still isn’t even close to having a name, or even a shortlist of names. Let’s see…names…names…names…

:: And what about the blog and my work? There was that post I was going to write..and the emails to answer…and…

:: And the nursery, I haven’t finished the nursery! And I still have to choose a pram…and a carrier…and decide about the car capsule…why am I so immobilised… just make a decision!

The second has joined us since sleeping became more troublesome thanks to the big belly, aching hips, and swollen hands and feet.

She argues back

Just go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

You have to get some sleep.

There will be no sleep in the weeks to come you know. No napping like last time!

You really have to go to sleep…NOW!

They wrestle and tango and the jumble together as I stare into the darkness. And as fingers of wan sunlight creep through the blinds I eventually sleep. But now it is time to wake.

{Image source}

Christie Burnett is a teacher, presenter, writer and the mother of two. She created Childhood 101 as a place for teachers and parents to access engaging, high quality learning ideas.

Read the comments or scroll down to add your own:

  1. Jennifer says

    In regards to "how will I love my 2nd baby as much as the first? Will I have enough love for two children"... this is something every mother ponders during a second pregnancy. Don't worry, you will. A mommy's heart grows for those babies each time. It's not going to be the SAME love... oh no, it will be very different. But it will be the same amount of love. Just watch; you'll be astounded. Here is something I read when I was pregnant with #2. I have no idea who the author is, but I saved it, and would like to share: As I hold your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship, I suddenly feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me, as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him. -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you-- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both and I thank you both for blessing my life."

  2. Angela says

    This post speaks to me so much. At 5 weeks pregnant after 15 months of trying again after a miscarriage last year, the anxiety and fear is almost overwhelming. I can only imagine how that will increase as time goes on and (hopefully) this pregnancy progresses. Best wishes for the coming weeks for you.

  3. Trina says

    I had my third baby 14 years after my second and you want to know a secret? You never forget how to be a mum. You ideas on raising kids change from one to the next and with each child you are more comfortable but you never forget. As for managing the different routines you may find number two is a bit more adaptable. You can't wait for the baby to wake up when it's kindy pickup time! Enjoy the ride xx

  4. Ali says

    It will all be fine. It will be the same and oh so different all at the same time!! I found my second one was more adaptable – there was no choice in the matter and I became more adaptable too. Some days everything goes like clockwork and other days are disasters and everything changes constantly!! And it is a funny thing - love doubles, it never halves. I had the exact same worry when I was pregnant with my second child. Good luck.

  5. Amanda says

    Oh Christie, I remember these fears only too well having gone through them all myself at the end of last year, in those final weeks of your pregnancy when you know sleep is so vital and yet so hard to achieve! I was a worry wart during both of my pregnancies after taking so long to fall pregnant and having gone through IVF, but the worrying doesn't stop once bub arrives as you know :) I think as mothers we will always have something to 'worry about' parenting-wise :) I too worried IMMENSELY about how having another baby would change the dynamics of our little family, about how it would impact on my relationship with Grace and about how I would have enough love for #2... the poem Jennifer has shared above is positively perfect!! When #2 comes along, it's like the love you have doubles, it truly does. As for getting things ready, don't stress if you don't get all the meals made that you had planned etc. - don't stress too much - if you have to get take-away more often than usual in those first few weeks, that's fine :) and hopefully you'll have some friends/family bring you a meal. If the house isn't as organised as you'd like it, don't worry, for this stage of your life, it's okay to let your expectations slide a little. Your routine and life definitely adjust with 2, there's no denying that but you learn to adapt and make things work for you and your family. As the months go on, this becomes easier. Having Immy in kindy will be helpful for you in those first weeks, hopefully you'll be able to sneak in a nap when bub does before kindy pick-up time or at least lie down. While I found I had forgotten a lot from having Grace, it was more that I'd forgotten things like 'how much babies cry' or 'how long it takes to sit down and breastfeed a newborn'... things like knowing what to do are instinctive when it comes to #2 no matter the age gap. And all babies are different. With Sophie, I remember beating myself up about why I couldn't settle her, thinking 'I've done this before, why can't I do this?' but all babies are different. Sophie suffered from lactose overload and terrible colic and therefore, her needs and what worked for her were different to back when I had Grace. As for your blog, we'll all be here waiting for you when you're ready to blog again, and if it's not as often as previously, that's fine :) I actually found that I liked being able to check blogs out while I was in hospital as my husband had Grace to look after and therefore I was alone in my hospital room more than I was the first time. Immy will be a wonderful big sister, you'll see. I find Grace is a real mother hen with Sophie now, eager to help, to watch out for her, excited when she does something new etc. - it's so beautiful to watch this as a Mum. Take care Christie xx

  6. Lauren says

    your heart will double in size ! and don't worry, it'll all come back to you! and you'll do somethings different to the first time around, and you'll be more confident and probably more flexible with a new bubba in tow. I always felt a little bad for my little fella, getting taken here and there, in and out of the car, but they're resilient, and he's fairly cruisey now (when not tired, hungry or sooky!) You'll all be fine! (and so busy, time will fly!) best of luck for an uncomplicated birth! Lauren x

  8. Simone says

    I am a lifelong Pillow worrier and Anxiety crusher (better than 'sufferer'), even when it's smooth sailing, Can I recommend focusing on your breathing to shut those two irritating bitches out, I feel confident in saying that they are fed by your perceptions of other peoples expectations of you. The secret to this trick working is to breath to the count of four ( or whatever is good for you) or have a mantra, though I prefer the counting it seems to be the most useful in drowning out the chatter. Breath through your nose and shout and even visualise the numbers in your head, I suspect it works because numbers are not all that useful to your creative brain, they can't be altered or twisted. Good luck , p.s there was noting to remember the 1st time and that seems to be working out ok!

    • Christie Burnett says

      Thank you for the distraction tips, Simone, I have used numbers in the past too, just haven't thought to these last few weeks. Plus you make such a good point in your P.S! :)

  9. Sonia says

    oh the late pregnancy crazy brain....try filling your brain with something else like a really good comedy/drama just before bed even if you have seen it before something that steals your mind away from reality for a while. Everything will be fine!!! That is your job!! and from what I can see your doing a great job, nothing will change that you are ......a sensible woman and a dedicated Mum. Also we all know your expectinga bundle so the content of the blog for the next 3 mths wont matter as long as there are heart melting baby pictures we will all be happy :-)

    • Christie Burnett says

      Thank you for the sensible advice, Sonia. So many people say the change from one to two children is the hardest and I know we will do the best we can do, if only my subconscious would believe it too!

  10. Ash says

    I remember having so many of those very same thoughts just before Ben was born - this time last year. Those two Ws need to be banished! You are the most amazing mum, and will be even more amazing to two very lucky little people. So much love.

  11. May says

    Ditto all of the above! I love my 2nd so much, I never would have thought it possible. It was a very difficult transition for us, but our first was a lot younger (not much more than 2) and his language wasn't very well developed. He was very jealous and there is presently still a lot of jealousy-inspired sibling rivalry, but they are also incredibly close and affectionate friends who have an absolute ball together. Once when he was especially miserable, I asked him if he wished that the baby would go away. He replied with an emphatic, surprised, dumbfounded "No!" You have no idea how relieved that made me. I too suffered from anxiety during my pregnancies, and had bouts of severe anxiety/PND after both births, both times resulting in hospitalisation. I found that barring medication, the most effective things for getting to sleep were using my lavender eye pillow, progressive relaxation (visualising each body part, esp. including all the facial muscles, becoming completely relaxed) and counting backwards from 100 as many times as it took. I found that 5 times was often enough. I wish you all the very, very best and can't stress enough that you need to let go as much as you possibly can. Get right outside your comfort zone, trust that others are able to look after Immy and also that she can tell others what she needs or wants. She's a very bright girl and you have taught her well, so enjoy that time alone in hospital and use it as a holiday! Everything will be topsy-turvy at first but you will reach a new equilibrium and it will be even better than before. xxx

  12. Aly says

    At 36 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old (and the knowledge that my next will be here in 2 weeks) I understand exactly what you are going through. We found out yesterday that we'll be having this baby on the 4th of May so today I drew up a calendar and wrote down what I wanted to achieve on each day. Some days are bigger than others, some days my only 'task' is to breathe in my daughter and enjoy our time together before we bring her little sister home. I haven't cooked and stored as many meals as I did the first time so one of my tasks is to buy easy make meals (Latina Pasta, pre-made garlic bread, fish that just needs to be steamed in the microwave etc) and stock the fridge/freezer up with them. We also need to be okay with a bit more takeaway than we'd like. Remember, M stands for Mother, not Martyr. As for the carrier/capsule/pram decision, ours was pretty easy as I have an unhealthy affection for my Mountain Buggy so we only had a small number of capsules to choose from but I would recommend trolling the forums for other mothers pro's and con's on prams. It can be painful but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that other mothers are more honest than sales assistants! For the carrier, if you enjoy baby wearing than the Hug-a-bub is amazing (and allows for discreet breastfeeding). I have one H-a-B and one Sleepy (which is the same design but a different material and a lot cheaper). I desperately want an Ergo as I've heard nothing but great things about them and their versatility (they are machine washable, really easy to put on, allow for back carrying when bubs is older, can cover bubs face in unkind elements and when they are sleeping etc but they do require a newborn insert for when bubs is smaller and bubs can't face outwards when you carry on the front). I also have a Baby Bjorn (which is often referred to as a crotch dangler by some more passionate BWing peeps) which introduced me into BWing and I did find it useful too. Anyway, I'm sure you've already been bombarded with enough well intentioned advice so I'll leave it there! Okay so just one more thing... just like you never really understood your capacity to love a child until you held Immy in your arms, you won't understand how you can love both your children so wholly and completely until your second arrives. You'll be fine. And good luck!

  13. Mika says

    I still remember very clearly, being pregnant with baby no.2, sending emails to all my friends who had two children, asking them..."how do you do it?!" I am pretty sure I was having a mini panic attack :P Now 4 years later, there are still sleepless nights, when life is going a bit too fast. Thankfully, we are on to a slow week, so I am enjoying some lovely uninterrupted sleeps. But, I think that is life...the ups and the downs, the unknowns and the pleasant surprises. All the best for the next path in your life ;)

  15. Taryn Saunders says

    Christie, my first is 13 months so I'm not quite there yet, but would love to give you a big old hug! On the what you need front - Kaz Cooke's "Up the Duff" sheds humour on the situation along with really valuable advice/ lists of what you need! And if it helps (from someone who did heaps of research and thought I was buying the best, then learnt big and bulky isn't great & learnt to listen to the wisdom of other more experienced Mum's), I'd suggest the Baby Jogger City Mini (pram) and a capsule that is tested to 12kgs (we had the Safe n Sound Unity, though it isn't the highest rating on the CREP testing). I do believe the Steelcraft Agile is a good pram/ capsule combo in a similar class, though have no personal experience with it. I imagine dealing with two kids would make a light and super easy one handed fold pram even more invaluable! Do keep in mind that you need the capsule adaptor on the baby jogger & capsule in order to have bub facing you in the pram. And as for carriers, slings can be fabulous for #2 I believe as bub will settle on you and you'll have hands free to interact with Immy. As for an upright carrier, I'd suggest an Ergo or Manduca as they can carry children for longer than Baby Bjorne & many others and are good in how they support bubs hips to reduce risk of hip displays is. Both also have back support for the wearer so are comfortable for the wearer which is super important - you need to look after yourself! As for your blogging/ work, we all love your work but will totally understand you not being around as much while you settle into a new routine! And if you're anything like I was with my first, I used my awake & feeding/ settling time at all hours to do things on the computer... Until it started distracting my son that is! But that wasn't for quite a number of months! You'll do a fabulous job! You already are doing a fabulous job! Be kind to yourself, you've done a mammoth amount of stuff during this pregnancy! You're a super woman if ever there was one! :-)

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