Let’s take the loneliness out of baby loss
Thank you to everyone who left a comment on Monday’s post. Your support was truly overwhelming and brought me to tears many times throughout the day. I thank you, thank you, thank you, a hundred times. You cannot imagine how much it helps to know that our little family is in the minds and hearts of so many from all around the world.
I think your words were all the more poignant for me as losing a baby can feel like the most isolating experience in the world. I have found nothing in my life harder than leaving the hospital and coming home without my baby in my arms and yet I still find it so hard to open my mouth and tell people about what I am feeling, or about my experience, especially those we had held off telling that we were even pregnant. For me, the sense of isolation was also an immediate need to retreat within to deal with my pain, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. In those first dark days, sharing was the last thing I wanted to do.
I do however also feel that we, as women, as mothers, as a society, just do not talk openly enough about pregnancy loss. I had absolutely no idea, no information at all, before I went through this myself. In the days immediately following our loss, I searched the internet for stories of other mothers who had been where I was. I ached for a sense of connection within my loneliness. I needed to know that there were others out there who understood, that I was not alone in what I was feeling, and I needed to find hope that I would come out of the other side.
And although everyone’s story is different, reading about the experiences of others has helped me. And continues to. And I hope sharing my experience will help someone else too. But I want more than that, I want to feel that something good has come out of my loss, I want to reach out and let others know that they are not alone in their grief.
But I need your help to do this. I want to create a collection of stories, a resource for mamas (and papas) to come to when they need that same support. So, if you have experienced the loss of a baby at any stage of your pregnancy, I invite you submit a short post to be shared on Childhood 101. It might be…
- Your story
- A letter to your baby, family or self about your experience
- A post outlining what you wish others knew or understood about losing a baby
- A poem, quote or words of wisdom which you found comfort in
- Suggestions for ways to support those experiencing loss
- Places you found support
- Or anything else which you think might be helpful, this is just a list of suggestions to get you thinking.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and I know others will too. Submissions can be emailed to burnettmc at gmail dot com.
With thanks again,
Christie x
I'll help Christie …such a great idea (hugs).
Thankfully I have never experienced the loss of a child.
A close friend of mine chose to terminate a pregnancy a few years ago. I don't think she accounted for the grief and guilt that would follow. It ended up destroying her marriage. I wonder if she would share her story – I'll ask her. I think she would make different choices now….. Or are you just looking for stories about miscarriage??
I haven't been through this, so I am unable to help, but it is a lovely idea. I have onl had experience with one friend who miscarried twins and then had a still birth. They were lucky that they were able to find out why these happened and were able to conceive again and deliver another little girl with the help of medication throughout the pregnancy. The little girl is aware of the brother she lost, as they have kept his ashes and have discussed it with her, and she used to hug the urn.
You are right, without sharing these stories others are left to feel alone or do not understand. Hopefully by sharing this can be changed 🙂
What a fantastic idea, Christie. Such a great idea to make something positive out of such a heart breaking thing. And let others mothers know they are not alone in their grief. I would love to contribute.
What a wonderful idea – you are most welcome to use my post.
http://www.paisleyjade.com/2010/09/ones-we-never-knew.html
Thank you for your supporting comments. Narelle, I think any loss is a loss and I am sorry your friend was placed in the situation where she felt she had to choose to terminate, if sharing her feelings is helpful to her please ask her to contact me.
What a great idea. I'd love to contribute.
Grief after miscarriage is very real and often overlooked.
Much love.
Christie, here's a link to my pages – http://aspiremum.blogspot.com/p/other.html
This is such a wonderful invitation – too many women suffer in silence and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
That's a really beautiful idea. I would love to contribute something. The loss of a pregnancy is such a personal thing, something that no one else will completely understand, yet it is something that become so much more bearable if we can share our story. I don't know why we so often feel that we ought to go through it alone, but I wish more people felt it was okay to reach out. Thank you for choosing to make it easier for people to do so.
I can help too 🙂
Here is a similar site dealing with any kind of loss. http://www.agoodgrief.com/
It was created by my friend's sister-in-law after the loss of her two year old.
I miscarried at just 8 weeks in between my first and second child. Even so early on it is hard to lose that dream.
A heartbreaking post Christie. I don't know if this is helps but this is the site Carly and I set up for mamas who lost their babies. It has lots of links and stories that you might find helpful xxx http://whisperedsupport.blogspot.com/
I was so sad to read you lost your little one, Christie. I would like to contribute also, and will email something a little later on. It really is a beautiful idea. When I lost my little girl, I floundered too, but found comfort in a few different places. Sending you big warm hugs.
You can read my story that I just posted in my blog at http://tandanie.blogspot.com/2010/09/no-more-baby.html
I agree with you that we have to talk about our experience. I felt better when I can share about what I have gone through with my friends.
If my story in the blog isn't enough, just drop me your note or email me tandanie@gmail.com as I am open to share it especially from an Asian point of view…what I have to go through after the miscarriage.
Christie, I'm so sorry I missed this! I'll be praying for you and your family.
I would LOVE to submit a post about loss. Just sitting here it's hard to write about because of the way it all happened for me and the way it was handled. So, I think it would be hard for me to do but I feel it would be a healing thing for me. Thank you for brnging it to the surface. I'll pop over and read the inital post too. xx
Hi there
I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. 🙁
Please go gently.
My daughter Scarlett is 3.5 years old and I am wanting to start phonics/alphabet/writing with her. Can you recommend any products or resources which could help? Love to buy online
Thank you x Jess
what a great idea, I'll mention this on my blog so others can get involved as well.
I had an ectopic pregnancy that nearly ended my life when I was in my early twenties. The loss of my baby, even very early was profound. I can honestly say that now, 10 years later, I can see the positive growth I've made in my life after living through such a life wrenching ugly event. I've learned to listen to my body. To speak up when something feels wrong. That my intuition is a guide. But I also learned how much I wanted to be a good mother. When I got pregnant for the second time years later I was a different person. I wasn't going to let pregnancy and motherhood happen to me, I was going to own it. To be it. For me, in my path, I've learned talking about my loss helps me. I've learned that bad things happen, and we don't get to know why. I like to think that the first baby was my daughter, asking me to wake up and get ready for her. That's what I like to think.
About a year ago now I had some friends go through miscarriage/ectopic pregnancies all around the same time. I remember my words were "I hope I never have to go through this." 2 months ago I did…. went for a scan and the gestational sac was empty. The doc called it a mis-miscarriage. I was devastated and heartbroken. The grief was so real. It turns out that the gestational sac had formed but the baby never really did. the physical stuff was nothing compared to the emotional. I will heal, it will be a process. For us, it was the loss of the idea of the baby, all our talk had been around new bigger car, car seat, how our 2 sons would handle a younger sibling etc. The grief is real, if you have friends going through this there are some ways you could support them. Cook them a meal, offer to look after older children, buy them flowers. Offer to listen. Don't be strange around them if you are pregnant or have a baby, they dont want you to be weird around them, they just need you to be you during this time.