Mum 2 Mum: Digital Dinner???
What is Mum 2 Mum? I have made many good friends online and often wish that I could sit down with them for a cuppa and chat like I do with my real life friends; other Mums with good advice, interesting stories to share, laughs to be had and experiences to learn from. Mum 2 Mum is a place where as online friends we can share a little of our own experiences, so why not pop in for a cuppa and join the conversation.
Dad 101 and I went out to dinner this week, just the two of us, for the first time in…well, I can’t even remember! We had been given some vouchers to use at a very nice buffet style restaurant within a 5 star hotel and it was a lovely meal (and for those on Twitter, yes, we did find things to talk about!)
Anyway, we observed a large group dining together, about 20 adults and children (it is a family friendly restaurant). At one end of the table the eight children had all been sat together to eat, nothing unusual about that, I would say that they were all aged between seven and ten years of age. The adults were all sitting together at the other end, talking and eating. The children were eating too.
And each and every child was plugged in to some form of electronic device!
Some more than one. iPods, handheld game consoles, an iPad showing a movie propped in front of one child and another on a laptop. They were all eating as they were entertained. None of them were speaking.
So much for the social experience of going out to eat!
This in the same week when news in the UK reports that children between the ages of five and sixteen spend four and a half hours a day in front of a screen (one hour and 50 minutes online and two hours 40 minutes in front of the television each day), with nearly half having internet access in their own room (!) and a third of seven to ten year olds had visited Facebook at least once in the past week (read more here, here and here).
The children in the restaurant, they were not two or three years old, not toddlers needing distraction. I believe children of this age should be able to sit at a table to eat and converse. That going out to dinner should be an opportunity to practise these social conventions.
Or maybe I am being a little old fashioned? What are your thoughts?
I don’t think you are old fashioned at all. What a waste of a perfectly good opportunity to visit with friends. It’s these children that will grow up to think it is perfectly good manners to text and talk to people on their phone while they are out with another. It drives me crazy!!
On the topic of entertaining toddlers…. I think the only time toddlers “need” screen time to keep them entertained is on long flights or car rides (or if I am in need of a serious break ;D) I feel like toddlers aren’t being given a chance to learn if they are given a distraction in social situations. Yep, if they get out of hand then do what you can, but why not see if they can handle the social situation first?
Of course at home by herself, my daughter still watches too much tv. Mother guilt… it will kill me.
Hel, I wouldn’t entertain a toddler at dinner with screen time either but I do think toddlers are more likely to need some form of distraction or entertainment in a restaurant, especially if there are unexpected long waits. We tend to take either a mini magna doodle or pencils and notebook and play a guess what I’ve drawn game with Immy. Have ever since she was about 18 months.
If that’s old fashioned then I’ll put my hand up and say I’m old fashioned too.
Whilst I’m not the type to say no to TV/games as a hard and fast rule, I would definitely hope to raise my child to have enough imagination that they can play wherever they are with whatever they happen to find.
Glad you enjoyed your dinner x
I agree wholeheartedly. My 7 year old neice took her DS with her when we all (4 adults, 5 children) went to the movies on Boxing Day a few years ago. The DS was a Christmas gift and she brought it because ‘it’s boring before the movie starts’. Heaven forbid she should spend that 10 minutes chatting with her cousins.
My children all own DSs, but they do not take them when we go out to dinner or visiting friends. My kids often take a blank exercise book and some pens/textas if I know they will need entertainment or a distraction. This can become quite interactive if there are other children around.
One of my biggest issues with DSs etc as entertainment when out is that they are distracting to others. A child sitting drawing/writing is nowhere near as a child playing games on an iPad (happened at our church a few months ago). Flashing images on screens are hard to ignore for those in the vicinity as are beeping noises if the volume isn’t turned down. A child with earplugs in is just as bad – totally disconnected from what is happening around them.
Bring back an emphasis on teaching kids healthy social and communication skills. All my children, including my 6yo, can hold a decent conversation with other children and adults. They didn’t learn that on their DS.
I could not agree more. I may be a little over-strict when it comes to screen time. We don’t have Television (no cable etc.), and I never allow them to use the computer or play video games, and only let them watch one or two movies a week, and usually only as a family. I’m glad that my husband and I are on the same boat on this one. We both feel that they have their whole adulthood to be introduced to computers etc… and that their childhood and adolescence should be spent playing with each other and friends, outside, and building, and creating.
There are many times when I am busy cleaning or cooking, and I feel tempted to let them watch a movie so they are out of my hair, but then I think of all the things they may miss out on if they are sitting passively in front of a screen. There are so many better things that they could be doing with their time!
Stories like these make me feel really sad for the children. Our role as parents is not to entertain our children, or even keep them quiet, it’s to guide and teach them about life (and of course to make sure they know they are absolutely 100% loved). I recently heard of a friend of a friend whose children watch in car DVDs on the way to school in the morning! If our children are constantly entertained by screens when do they have time to talk to us, tell us what’s going on in their lives, or actually live their lives? More than any THING our children need US. I hope what u witnessed was not a typical mealtime for those precious children. *rantover*
I’m not sure what I think about this one. We don’t know what kind of day they’ve had before hand. Perhaps they all went out together for the day and now children are getting tired and they just need to chill out for a bit after a big day of socialising.
I can see both sides on this one. In my heart and dreams I would never want to think that I’d be the kind of parent that would let my children sit and play with devices while we were at a restaurant. But on the other hand I don’t get to go out with my friends ever and if the devices meant that my children were not being rude and poorly behaved – therefore giving me a night off with friends of sorts – then I can see where they’re coming from. Just because the parents enjoy each others company it doesn’t necessarily translate that the children like each other.
It’s a tricky one.
Sally, you do raise a valid point but I also do not think that this is a completely isolated incident within society and it is interesting to discuss changing societal trends. And Dad 101 both observed this independently of each other and both commented on it, it was that confronting to see these children completely plugged in and disconnected from everyone else around them within a social environment.
Oh, you are not old-fashioned at all! I cringe when I see kids plugged into technology when they are at restaurants or elsewhere. Yes, it’s great that everyone in the restaurant can eat in ‘peace’ without noisy children – it’s more or less saying that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ – but how do they learn what appropriate behaviour is when going to such places, and how do they learn to interact with their peers and adults? It almost seems like some parents take the easy way (indulge them with technology and keep them quiet) rather than allowing them to develop healthy social skills and learn appropriate behaviour for a particular setting.
It is not limited to children either! My sister-in-law’s new husband (aged 29 or so) cannot enjoy an extended family dinner without receiving and responding to numerous text messages or taking phone-calls. He doesn’t excuse himself from the table, just has his conversation right there, loudly, so the rest of us are unable to continue our dinner conversation. If our dinner is at my in-laws house, our house or my sister-in-law’s house, he also turns the TV on and doesn’t turn it off during dinner, but continues to watch and comment on the TV show over dinner. I consider this behaviour incredibly rude, but I am Gen X, he is Gen Y – maybe I am just out of touch?
Thanks for this one! When my husband first got an iPhone, I had to gently remind him to disconnect during dinner. We’re working hard to set the expectation that dinner is time we spend together.
And I don’t think that it is old-fashioned to expect that kids learn that there are times and places for technology and times and places for direct interaction. I worry a little bit that there are some kids who are coming to define technology use and direct interaction as the same thing.
I have friends who teach, and they talk frequently about the problem of cell phones in classrooms. If we expect our kids to have appropriate electronic boundaries at school, we need to start developing those boundaries at home. And that means that parents need to disconnect first.
“If we expect our kids to have appropriate electronic boundaries at school, we need to start developing those boundaries at home. And that means that parents need to disconnect first.”
I love this, Ann.
I had real trouble believing what you said about those children at the dinner table. I love my computer and being partly disabled it is a lifeline for me to the outside world but surely children of that age!!!! It was once deemed rude if a person read at a table while eating and I think it is. Another thing that worries me about children today is this….they do so much texting to each other that I fear they are losing the ability to use the English language as it should be used. I suppose all this technology is called progress but I really think that some of this so-called progress is one reason children are always ‘BORED’ if they are not being entertained in some way. I wonder how much they actually observe what is going on around them and in this way learning about the world and people in general. I think the parents who perhaps take paper and pencils for little ones whene eating out is a great idea and probably what we would have done back in the 1950-60s; that is if we could even afford to eat out back then which is doubtful. I am glad you brought up this subject Christie and was interested to read some of the comments here.
We are in a very tech heavy house – however we have a very simple rule, “No Tech at the dinning table”. Which applies to both children and adults. The children will pull adults (including visitors) up on this when it happens. Simple and effective.
Love this rule, Di. I will be adopting this one 🙂
I actually think that’s plain weird. Dinner out with friends/family is a social occasion, and one that kids of that age should be able to manage on their (unbudded) ear. Instant connectivity and being entertained by an electronic device, or actual, face to face social interactions with peers. What a missed opportunity!
It is sad. The battle of technology ahead(mine are 3 and1) concerns me as a parent working out TV time and computer time now is already a guilt maker….although thrown together as children some of my parents friends kids are classified more as cousins to me now and we still love catching up for good chats.
Out to dinner with my mothers group at a kids eat free restaurant the other night. We arrived a 5pm to be gone by 7pm children were 3x3yo 1x2yo and 2x1yo they were all sat together chatting and laughing and eating.Once finished they shared a selection of paper pens stickers and stamps.(yes loud but well behaved really)Another table of people commented that they were too loud and why hadn’t we thought to bring a portable DVD player????
I cannot believe that the other people said that to you, how rude. I do think that as parents of young children we are used to coming prepared for all types of eventualities but at some stage I have noticed many parents of older children seem to stop doing so.
That is so sad!!
What an opportunity these children are missing out on. I doubt they’ll be interesting dinner guests when they are adults. They’ll have no idea how to communicate.
That’s how I felt too, Tricia.
Gadgets at the table are not allowed at my house.
I can see how it starts, though, with distracting the toddler so everyone can eat in peace…and then it just continues. We would rather walk the toddler around outside than wind up with that issue.
Also, I think the parents model this sort of behavior, checking their e-mail on occasion for work, answering a call–especially if it is “just” family…and then the kids pick up on it but not on the subtleties of the parents’ self-imposed rules of use (assuming there is any).
I’ve noticed my friends who are just a couple of years younger tend to do this more often. I think it is the difference between having gone to college with only a few people having a “car phone” or cell for emergencies and only some people having e-mail to four years later every incoming freshman having a room connection, a cell phone, etc.
Good point about the subtleties of parent’s usage roles, Candace, I hadn’t thought about it that way. We don’t really take our phones to the table though we do have other family members who do.
Here’s a great article on this very topic:
http://www.micheleborba.com/blog/2011/02/04/is-a-plugged-in-world-reducing-childrens-empathy/
Sign me up for an old fashioned family. You’ve hit a hot button for me! I see families with all of their “technology” all of the time out in public and it makes me so sad. It’s like they’re all some place together but alone! Again just sadness.
I won’t go on because so much has already been said. My children are young (7 & 4) and they just don’t have any of this “tech” stuff. We won a wii in a raffle but my children rarely use it. Instead they actually run around outside, play with the dog and dig in the dirt.
I’m really stopping this time!
Very very late to comment on this one because I come from such a different point of view.
We don’t go out to dinner much with our girls, it is too challenging. When we do, they have a bag full of toys to play with, but the toy they both like best is mum and dads iPhones. That keeps them happy and engaged so we can enjoy the meal.
Really I wasn’t going to comment until I read this post another autism mum wrote today – http://wonderfullywired.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/we-did-it-and-survived-to-tell-the-tale/ about going out to dinner with her children.
For some families having electronic gadgets provides the means that they are able to go out to a meal together and avoid screaming meltdowns. Whilst I’d love my girls to colour in, or talk to other people at dinner, I know that in our situation it just isn’t always feasible. I still only pull out the electronics as the last resort – talking to adults first, colouring / toys next, then electronics.
So some very belated input to the discussion.