How to Talk To Your Tween About Puberty
Puberty….
For a long time I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of my kids going through puberty. Despite the fact that my oldest two are well and truly of an age where the physical and emotional changes begin, and I have seen those changes happen right before my eyes, I still found it hard it hard to accept that my babies would be going through puberty any time soon.
To me, puberty marked the beginning of the end – the end of their childhood and the beginning of them becoming adults, and I simply wasn’t ready to let go.
But it doesn’t matter if I am ready or not,  my kids will go through puberty regardless, and it was that thought that eventually moved me to action, acceptance and to let go… well just a little bit! After all, puberty is all about change, changes for our tweens and changes for us as parents too.
Change can be pretty scary and stressful for tweens, and the uncertainty of exactly what will happen during puberty can make it ever harder to deal with. But it’s not all bad, and the best way to tackle puberty, the cool stuff and the kinda scary stuff, is to be prepared.
So What is Puberty Anyway?
We all remember going through puberty and we know the basics of what to expect but most of us don’t understand the science behind these changes, and understanding that can go a long way towards feeling comfortable talking about puberty and helping our kids through it. So arming yourself with lots of knowledge is a great place to start.
Puberty is the physical changes that lead to becoming sexually mature and capable of reproduction.
Now that is a kinda scary definition when we think about it in relation to our kids, but these are just the ‘physical changes’ it doesn’t mean they are emotionally mature or about to start running around having sex any time soon. Phew!
When these changes takes place varies greatly from individual to individual, but it is generally somewhere around 9-14 in girls and 12-16 in boys.
During puberty lots of physical changes take place:
- Growth spurts
- Body hair grows, including pubic hair
- More sweat and body odour
- Oily skin and pimples may occurr
- Voice deepens (even in girls though not as dramatically)
- Body shape changes – for girls hips broaden, for boys shoulders broaden
- Girls develop breasts and begin mensuration (periods), and in boys the penis and testicles grow larger and they begin to produce semen.
Combine those full on physical changes with surges in hormones and it is easy to feel way out of our depth as parents, but the best parenting tool we have to deal with this stuff is conversation – talk to your kids, talk about it early and often.
Talking to Kids About Puberty
Ideally you started talking about growing up, and puberty, and even sex, when it came up naturally in conversation with your kids, even when they were little. If you start by giving young children factual, age appropriate, information when the opportunity arises, it will make talking about it later a LOT easier.
And now, as they get older, be aware of opportunities to talk about puberty related topics as they pop up naturally in day to day life, but don’t wait for that to happen. If the topic hasn’t arisen, or you’ve not been prepared when it has, then create the moment to talk about it.
Giving your kids books to read on the subject (see the end of the post for some suggestions) is a great way to break the ice. Also, try asking questions that might ignite further conversation – not about the old fashioned, formal ‘birds and the bees’ talk that makes everyone feel uncomfortable, but casual conversation starters. Perhaps you could ask if anyone in your child’s class has a boyfriend or girlfriend which could start a conversation about growing up and relationships. Or ask them what they think of a certain deodorant as you pass them in the supermarket using the opportunity to start a conversation about hygiene and body odour.
Be upfront if you are embarrassed or find it difficult to talk about some aspects of puberty, your kids are probably relieved that they are not the only one that feels a bit funny talking about things that are usually kept private. But try and put your embarrassment to one side, and make it clear that it is okay to talk about puberty and the changes they are going through.
Be as honest as you can, and above all else, make sure your kids know that these changes are normal, and that they can ask you anything and you will answer as best you can. Open, trusting communication now, will make a big difference to your child’s self esteem as they go through puberty, and can make parenting that bit easier in the future too.
Resources
Here are some resources for both kids and parents, some that I can personally recommend, and some that have been recommended by friends. As this can be a sensitive topic I would recommend you read all resources yourself before you pass them to your kids to make sure they fit with your family values.
Websites
- Planned Parenthood – Excellent general information about puberty for parents
- Parenting.com – Great nitty gritty advice on how to deal with specific changes for parents of both boys and girls
- Parent Further – Tips for parenting boys going through puberty
- Rites for Girls – with information for girls and their parents
- It’s My Life – Â part of the PBS website with great sections on puberty for both kids and parents
Non-Fiction Books
- Secret Girls Business and Secret Boys Business – books for boys, girls and special needs kids about puberty, periods and growing up
Fiction Books
- Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret – Judy Blume
- Then Again, Maybe I Won’t – Judy Blume
- Poppy Pretzel: Passage Into Puberty– Debi Slinger
Hopefully knowledge of the basics together with some great resources will help you to feel a little more ready to go forth and tackle this sometimes tricky topic with your kids.
Have you talked to your tween about puberty? What would you add to this list of suggestions?
This post is part of the Parenting Tweens series by Kate Fairlie of Picklebums.
The books “puberty girl” and “puberty boy” are really well written as well. And easy for kids to dip in and out of as they are interested or have questions. Finding the humor for kids in all this growing up stuff helps too.
Thanks so much for the recommendation – I have seen those books online and wondered if they were as good as they looked!
Very interesting read thanks Kate. I’m sure this is a very difficult stage for many parents but you share such wonderful advice and resources.
Great article – thanks for sharing. One thing I’d like to add – puberty is also about some pretty massive neurological changes. In fact, much of the emotional instability and odd behavior that we use to ascribe to “hormones” actually has much more to do with a brain that is undergoing the second of two rapid stages of brain development (the first was 0-3 when the brain was laying down massive amounts of neural pathways). This second phase is about the growth and wiring up of the pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that is used for problem-solving and long-range decision making. Adolescents are not able to consistently use their pre-frontal cortex to make decisions as adults do (b/c that part isn’t ready yet!) and they are really vulnerable when they have to make a decision under pressure. Best way to counteract that is to do lots of scenario questioning during times of calm. Just some FYI stuff that I have found immensely interesting!
Hi Kate. Your article is great! My 9 1/2 year old grandgtr, that we are raising, started signs of puberty last year…..breasts growing, body odor, mood swings. I have a great book, All About Me, and have tried numerous times to talk about things, maybe read the book together, or let her read and ask questions, whatever. But she refuses to engage in any discussion, even look at the book, saying, “not right now” or “maybe tomorrow”. I want her to have the appropriate knowledge and preparedness for when her periods start, and for her hygiene, but am getting frustrated at her refusals. Any suggestions?
Oh it’s really when you are trying to do the right thing, you don’t want to push it or make her uncomfortable, but you also want to make sure she has the knowledge she needs!
Could you try broaching the subject by way of something else she’s interested in? My girls are book lovers and I found a few novels that address the topic of puberty in a casual, interesting way, that they loved. Perhaps there is a movie or TV show or a book about a subject she loves that also talks about puberty or similar issues for girls her age?
Good luck!