Friendship: Developing Sharing Behaviour
Consider the following two sharing scenarios;
1. A child is playing with a toy. Another child sees and wants the toy too. An adult intervenes, saying to the first child, “Billy, you can have a turn for two minutes and then we will let Abbie have a turn.” The adults waits with the children and after two minutes oversees the transaction of the toy from one child to the other. She then verbally praises Billy for his good sharing.
2. A child is playing with a toy. Another child sees and wants the toy too. An adult intervenes, saying to the second child, “Abbie, when Billy is done playing with the xx, you can have a turn.”
She then turns to Billy and says, “Billy, when you’re done could you please let Abbie know so that she can have a turn.”
The adult then helps to distract Abbie to another activity nearby while she waits.
Shortly after Billy passes the toy to Abbie and the adult notices and positively reinforces his generous behaviour by saying, “Thank you Billy for remembering that Abbie was waiting for a turn and passing the toy to her.”
Which of these scenarios is more effective in developing a child’s intrinsic sharing behaviour? Which would have the most satisfactory outcome for Billy who first had ownership of the toy? Why? What lessons is each child learning from each scenario?
It is unreasonable to think that children younger than four or five years of age have the social skills necessary to share independently and so it is natural that as adults we support young children in their playful interactions. However how we choose to intervene has influence beyond a few minutes of conflict or upset in the here and now. It is good to remind ourselves that simple, subtle changes in our words and actions encourage the development of longer term, self-motivated behaviours for our child.
A useful resource for parents wanting to help their children develop positive, intrinsically motivated behaviours is Parenting With Positive Guidance: Tools for Building Discipline from the Inside Out, an e-book by Amanda Morgan (this is an affiliate link).
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Thanks for this article, as a mother of a toddler, the whole sharing concept is very relevant. I do sometimes wonder why as parents we put such an emphasis on learning to share? Just a thought I’ve been having lately observing my own son. I wonder sometimes if we do this backwards, that maybe we should be teaching kids they can’t just have everything they want nor take that toy off another child . Isn’t it up to the child with the toy to decide whether he wants to share ‘his’ toy or not, after all, isn’t that’s part of what ownership is all about (I know this is a little different in a preschool type setting). We spend so much time telling our kids that ‘this is for mummy, not you, no touching’ but then tell them they have to share their stuff. Anyway, it’s just a thought I’ve been having lately. Love your website by the way, very glad I found it.
Thanks for your comment, Melissa, I am hoping that this post gets parents thinking about this very idea 🙂 My three year old’s current response to being told she can’t have something is, “But you have to share, Mummy!”
LOL, that’s very cute!
I follow the second and it’s always amazing how easily kids share when given a choice!
I also follow the second strategy, and it’s funny how often the second kid doesn’t want the toy any longer when distracted by something else. On the other hand, quite often then the first kid wants to have what the other one is having 🙂
What a great observation! In my experience, there may be a couple of reasons for this: First, it’s not about the toy- it’s about the relationship. Toddlers and preschoolers are interested in other people, and just learning how to interact in socially acceptable ways with peers. The toy becomes the medium through which they are communicating.
Also, ever notice how a toy or an object seems to “come alive” in someone else’s hands? To children, toys aren’t as interesting when they are just sitting there, but they become animated when another child is using them, which is why you can have three toys of the exact same kind sitting there, but three children will be interested in the one that someone else is using.
In my work with toddlers, I also use the second method, but I give children even more space to work things out on their own, as long as no one is getting hurt. I really trust toddlers to work things out in a way that is acceptable to them, without feeling the need to impose my standards or ideas about sharing.
A lot of times, just moving close to the children involved in a struggle and narrating what I see happening is all that’s needed to help them problem solve. “You both want that truck. Billy is using it, and Abbie you want to use it too. Abbie you are pulling on the truck, and Billy is saying NO!” Then I wait.
If more support is needed, I might point out that there is another truck nearby, or ask the children how they think they can solve the problem (if they’re verbal). But I stop short of asking one child to give the other a turn, and I don’t try to distract the child who might be upset about having to wait, or losing the toy, because to me it’s all about children having the opportunity to learn about how to be in relationship with others.
This is an excellent point. I am trying to narrate what is happening with my children’s behavior more, I find it more effective that passing judgement eg “Good Boy, Well Done, Great Jump” etc. I haven’t thought of doing it when there are disagreements, I will give it a shot today!
That is so true!
I think the second choice is better, the first player can continue without feeling guilty, the second gets company while waiting and both at their own page finally share the toy and the empathy. I´ve done the first example too, but mostly when things get so difficult that the adult “decides” instead of suggest.Laura Oreamuno
San Jose, Costa Rica.
Central America