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Connecting With Tweens & Teens: 5 Everyday Moments That Matter

When my children were small they rarely went anywhere without their father or I. We knew everything they did and everything about them. We were their whole world.

As babies they were always close. They were breastfed, worn in a sling and slept beside us.

As toddlers the physical connection between us was still strong. They often sought a hand to hold or arms to pick them up. When something went wrong a cuddle or a kiss and the safety of Mum or Dad’s lap could fix anything. They came to us at bed time to be helped to sleep and no matter how bad the day had been, those quiet, calm moments reconnected us and smoothed out the bumps of the day.

These days, my big kids are getting more and more independent. Their world is expanding and as they venture out into it we are no longer with them every moment of every day. As they have grown, the innate, easy, every day physical closeness has lessened and changed.

Connecting With Tweens & Teens: 5 Everyday Moments That Matter

At eight years of age, my girls don’t need to be rocked to sleep as they did when they were tiny, but that doesn’t mean that a quiet moment laying next to them in bed, drawing on their backs or rubbing their feet isn’t important.

There are many ways that you can physically and emotionally connect with older kids…

5 Ways to Connect With Your Tween or Teen

1. Touch still matters: Look for new ways to be physically affectionate with your child. Perhaps they won’t hold your hand in public anymore but spending time curled up on the couch together ‘drawing on their back’ or just a quiet moment lying side by side as you chat, read or watch TV can help you reconnect. Older kids can also connect by giving physical affection as well as receiving it. A Ask for a shoulder rub, a cuddle or even a mani or pedi. My kids are all becoming experts at back massaging which relaxes me and makes them feel important too.

2. Words matter too: In the busy lives of tweens and teens it can be difficult to find  lots of time but simple, regular words of affection take very little time at all. Be sure to welcome them as you reconnect at the end of each busy day, say ‘good morning’ and ‘good night,’ and ‘I love you’ often.

3. Have fun together: Simply doing something active that your child enjoys can reconnect you in a fun way. Shoot hoops together, join them in a game of backyard cricket or laugh your way through a round of Just Dance, or for something less strenuous, invite them for a quick game of Uno.

4. Give them space: As children get older, privacy can become more of an issue when it comes to showing physical affection. They may feel embarrassed to seek out a hug at school when they are trying to be ‘grown up’ but in reality they still may need (and want) one. Finding a time and space where they feel comfortable is important, as is explaining that everyone needs a hug sometimes, no matter how ‘grown up’ they may be.

5. Just be there: I find being with my children physically when they are stressed or upset is also important. I can talk logic and reason to my worrisome child until I am blue in the face but in reality, oftentimes I just need to be there. To listen, and sometimes even to offer a cuddle or to hold a hand.

It is a pleasure to watch our kids grow up and head out into the world…. but sometimes it is a little bittersweet and I find myself missing that physical closeness and connection. But just because they don’t need the constant physical affection that a baby demands, doesn’t mean it is not important to find ways to continue that connection.

For all of us.

How do you connect with your older kids?

In our series of posts you’ll find more great advice for parenting tweens – everything from navigating puberty to tweens and technology.

For more great ideas for creating moments of connection in your family, check out 10 Everyday Rituals That Mean So Much to Your Kids.

10 Everyday Rituals That Mean So Much to Your Kids

Kate Fairlie is an early childhood educator and Mum of four who lives on a small property, 'The Pickle Farm,' in 'almost rural' Victoria. Kate blogs about all kinds of crazy things - twins, gentle parenting, gardening, trying to be a little self sufficient, activities for kids, a recipe here and anything else that pops up in her crazy life!

Filed Under: Developing Emotionally, Family Time, Featured, Parenting Tweens Tagged With: family time

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Read the comments or scroll down to add your own:

  1. Tricia says

    January 25, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    Timely post Kate. I was wondering about this only the other day. I love that my daughter is spreading her wings and is more comfortable spending time with other people for longer periods. But between preschool and her being social, our time together has decreased considerably. Thankfully she loves cuddles. I often massage her back or stroke her head after stories at night and we still have long lazy baths together. Touch is so important. I still have fond and vivid memories of my mum stroking my head to comfort me after stressful days at school. Your 'big' boy does look so very big all of a sudden. They grow up way too quickly. x t.
    • katepickle says

      January 29, 2012 at 1:31 PM

      It's so easy when they are little because they are always there... but things change when they grow up don't they... in ways I never imagined! :)
  2. mamaUK says

    January 25, 2012 at 8:13 PM

    Now my oldest girls is almost 7 years old, I often feel that she is missing out as her younger sister at 3 years old gets so many cuddles/being picked up/carried etc. Something we try and do if we have an afternoon indoors and it's wet/cold outside is they both have a bubble bath together and once they are dry and have pulled on their underwear then they lay down in a warm bedroom side by side on a warm towel and I use an essential oil massage liquid suitable for little ones and they both have a back massage from me, or a foot massage or a face massage. They really enjoy this activity and I think it is especially good for my older girl. I make sure I pop the heating on in the room so it's nice and warm and they don't get cold at all. Afterwards, even if it's the middle of the afternoon, they pop on their bed clothes and dressing gowns to stay nice and relaxed for stories!
  3. Kris says

    January 27, 2012 at 2:59 AM

    I love this. My 7 yr old is gaining independence--which is perfect. But we do spend less snuggle time. I try to cuddle at night time and also when we read. I try to make it our time without her lil bro. Also we have always been a verbally affectionate family. SO I continue this when its appropriate--not in front of her friends. Oh mom--YUCK! :) This was a great remonder--thanks.
  4. Shaun says

    February 8, 2012 at 12:17 PM

    When I read "older", I was thinking teens, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear that older is 7-9 years old. I now have 2 sons whom are 14 & nearly 17 - yes teens. Connecting with them has changed over the years. They still love to have their heads scratched, or their backs rubbed, and even their feet massaged. Sharing and talking now happens on the weekends when I find myself awaking back around 11 or midnight to go in for a chat before they head off to sleep themselves. Staying connected at the kitchen table has been one of the most important rituals. If it's not at dinner, than it's at breakfast early before school. Thank you for a lovely article! It's a reminder no matter the age, stay connected, and respect them and yourself in the process. Happy Parenting :)
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