Given my experience working with young children, I am no stranger to tantrums. I understand that tantrums are largely a result of a child’s developing sense of self as an individual, separate from others in the world world. Couple this with a desire for independence and difficulty expressing their intentions, feelings and emotions, and toddler tantrums emerge. Basically, toddler tantrums result from frustration at an inability to make themselves understood and getting their needs met… NOW!
As much as I know this stuff, as the parent of the toddler experimenting with this developing sense of self and independence, I find myself needing to step back and take a deep breath as I remind myself that there are a range of effective, (predominately) proactive strategies for dealing with toddler tantrums. Here’s some of the ones that work best for us…
Strategy #1. I believe the most effective strategy is actually making the effort to avoid the potential for tantrums in the first place.
Young children need routine, rest, food and your attention. If any of these four things is out of balance, you immediately increase the likelihood of a tantrum. It can be helpful to stick to routine sleep/nap times and meal and snack times. I know that I am an incredible grouch when I am over tired or when my blood sugar drops as I haven’t eaten.
Toddlers learn through their interactions with others. As their parent, they need you the most. Often, tantrums are a toddler’s way of seeking your attention. This doesn’t mean that you have to drop what you are doing and spend all day on the floor playing but you do need to think about how much of your time and attention they are actually getting on any given day. Make it easy on yourself by involving them in what you are doing. Toddlers love chores and can help to put away washing or groceries, help to prepare meals, or even wash a few (plastic!) dishes.
It can also help to be flexible with your daily routine wherever possible. If your child is having a bad morning as they are tired or unwell, try to avoid places and tasks that require a lot of them. For example, grocery shopping is not much fun with a grumpy toddler in tow.
Strategy #2. Giving warnings about upcoming transitions.
Whenever you need to move from one place to another or from one activity to another, give your toddler a warning that this ‘transition’ is approaching.
“Immy, in five minutes we need to leave the park and go home to make dinner. Let’s have one more go on the slide.”
“Mummy will play with you for two more minutes and then she needs to hang out the washing. Shall we build one more tower?”
“We need to get dressed so that we can go to the shops.”
Toddlers do not understand how long five minutes actually is but this time of warning (and/or explanation) gives them time to mentally (and physically) finish what they are doing and prepare for the next thing to come.
Strategy #3. Make a conscious effort to provide your toddler with meaningful, simple choices or alternatives.
I have talked about this strategy previously. Providing your toddler with a simple choice makes them feel empowered as a decision maker and can help to avoid a tantrum erupting.
Offering an alternative can also help when a mini tantrum or whine begins, “No, you cannot have a biscuit, would you like some grapes.” By saying this, you are not giving in to their whinging for a biscuit but you are providing them with the opportunity to exercise choice.
Also consider how often you are saying ‘no’ to your toddler. If you are constantly saying no, try using some of the other preventative strategies like choice and transition warnings to help you build more positive interactions and opportunities a sense of empowerment for your toddler.
Strategy #4. Diversion and Distraction
Toddlers have short attention spans and are often easy to distract. If you child is whinging at you to have or do something or is on the verge of a tantrum, try distracting them and diverting their attention away from the situation which is causing the problem. This can stop a minor incident from escalating into a major tantrum. For example, “Oh look, I think the mailman has been, shall we go and check the mail?” The few minutes it takes to go and check the mail breaks the tension of the situation and hopefully they will forget all about whatever it was they were complaining about.
Strategy #5. Stay strong.
To avoid reinforcing negative behaviour, try not to give in to your toddler’s demands, instead trying alternative strategies in the effort to find an acceptable (to you) solution that also provides room for your toddler’s developing sense of independence.
Strategy #6. Dealing with major tantrums.
Sometimes preventative strategies don’t work and a major yelling, stomping, hitting, thrashing tantrum takes place. Here are a few survival tips for making it out the other side when it seems like your child has been invaded by an alien body snatcher…
- Don’t take it personally. Your young child is exhibiting an immature emotional response which is completely appropriate to their age and stage of development.
- Don’t try and reason with your child when they are in the throes of a major tantrum. Wait for it to pass and for them to calm down. They cannot listen to reason when they are very upset.
- Make sure they are safe. Stay close. Wait it out.
- If you think you are going to lose your temper and act inappropriately, make sure they are safe and then step away for a moment or two to compose yourself. You getting angry is not going to help calm them down.
- Once they have calmed down, help them to resettle. A hug works wonders. Or engage them in a quiet activity. Let them know that it is okay.
If parenting teaches us anything, it is that when it comes to children everything is constantly changing. Although it is hard to remember when you are dealing with frequent tantrums in the middle of this difficult developmental stage, try to tell yourself, “I know this too shall pass!”
Do you have strategies that you use to help cope with toddler tantrums at your place?
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Christie Burnett is an early childhood teacher, presenter, writer and the editor of Childhood 101. More importantly, she is a Mum who believes wholeheartedly in the value of children learning through play, the importance of quality early education, and the togetherness of family.
Like you, I am a stickler for routine, I put him before anything else in terms of that.
I find 2 year old tantrums easy - it's the 3/4 year old ones that can become tiresome. Oh, boy.
But we get through - consistancy and persistance
Thanks for reminding me that tantrums come and tantrums go. They are just par for the course. Tomorrow is a fresh new day. xx
My friends had done the "1-2-3 Magic" course here in Perth and spoke often about how effective it was. I decided to buy the DVD's and book (from America) so both of us could watch the DVD's together and learn the technique together (so the kids get the same discipline from both Mum and Dad - united front!).
I swear by it. We only have to say..."that's 1" and we get instant positive response. Rarely do we make it to "that's 2" now. Time out follows No. 3.
Whining is possibly the worst part of parenting and I have the master of it living in my house in the disguise of a sweet little 3 year old boy. Fortunately for me the 1-2-3 Magic program also deals with that.
Seraphim - I am completely with you when it comes to the routine.
Michelle - hear, hear.
Squiggs - To you my only words are, always remember, 'This too shall pass.'
Aspiring Mum - the whining gets to me the most too.
Tanya - thank you for the recommendation.
However, occasionally I was actually going to do what he wants anyway, he just didn't realize it, or it is an issue I'm willing to compromise about. In that case, I wait until he calms down to do anything, so he's not getting what he wants in the middle of the tantrum. For example, he is in a serious "I do it" stage (although he says "You do it" because he calls himself "You" lol). Sometimes I'll be planning to let him do something (e.g. help pour milk) but I just haven't gotten it ready yet (e.g. I'm still getting the cup out of the cupboard) and he thinks I'm actually doing it myself and will start freaking out. Sometimes it is more of a whine, other times closer to a tantrum. In this case (and with all whining) I usually tell him that I can't understand him when he behaves like that and he needs to calm down and ask me nicely. Usually he instantly stops and says "Mama?" very nicely lol.
In the rare occasion that he hasn't calmed down to ask me nicely, I will try to help him calm down. But if he still doesn't calm down, then I will usually do the thing myself, and deal with the uncontrollable tantrum that usually follows as per above. For example, the other day he wanted to put his toothbrush away himself, and when he dropped it I picked it up to pass it to him so he wouldn't have to get off of his stool. He thought I was putting it away and lost his mind lol. I tried to calm him down and make him realize I was just passing it to him... I tried to pass it to him telling him to put it away himself. At that point the grabbed the toothbrush and threw it at me! So in that case, I put it away myself and walked away. He threw himself on the floor and had a bit of a full-out tantrum. So I just ignored him until he calmed down some, and then distracted him and helped him calm down and acted like nothing had happened. I try to keep in mind that we want them to learn that tantrums don't accomplish anything, either positive or negative.
I have always used 3 more turns method.
Okay 3 more turns and we are going
2 more turns
last turn
Bye bye __park/ blocks etc__ Child waves and we go. or puts away and we move on.
For negative behaviour its the reverse, holding up one finger I say 1, then 2, usually behaviour is corrected sometimes we make it to 3 and then it is to the time out mat. This has worked wonderfully with miss 3.5 and I have only recently been using it with mr 16 months. He is getting the picture, dosnt like it, but getting it.
I think it's a variation on the "catch them being good" theme. Sometimes, when they're just learning to control their emotions, we can't wait for them to get all the way under control. But if we can leap in and praise them at the first opportunity, rather than waiting for 100% success, everyone is a lot happier.
My only caveat is that while the 5 minute warning seems to work well for parents, myself and other teacher friends have noticed that it doesn't always achieve the desired result in school. Instead of "mentally finishing," many of the kids just hear that they don't have a lot of time and a lot they want to do, so they get busy.
One of my colleagues tested this theory by photographing her classroom just before her 5 minute warning, then again after 5 minutes. The difference was astounding. The block shelves had been totally emptied, costumes were all over the room, and the art table was a disaster. We've decided that a 5 minute warning pretty much doubles the clean-up time!
Our theory is that school is different than "real life" in that our transitions tend to be consistent and predictable whereas day-to-day transitions (like your example of leaving the park) aren't as concrete.
I'm enjoying your blog a lot!